Another seriously depressing 'life or death' thread. :( - by Dia
Dia on 28/2/2012 at 13:46
@Muz: From what my sister and I gathered, after being barraged with several different options pertaining to the different stages of Dirk's cancer and treatment, the next step the doctors would like to take would be immediate chemo treatment. We were told that Dirk would 'probably' be sent to a physical rehab center in order to help get him healthy enough to withstand the subsequent chemo sessions. How long he'd be there is anybody's guess at this point.
It can be so confusing because we have three different doctors talking about different stages of the disease and treatment, but they don't always clarify which stage they're referring to. A liaison from the Palliative Care part of the hospital set up a phone consultation with a lady from the hospice center and all we learned was that Dirk had the option to have home hospice service until 7 days before he was ready to die. According to most health insurance contracts, a person's stay in a hospice center is only covered for 7 days. After that the patient has to pay upwards of $7000 to $9000 a month to be able to die there.
Dirk's also elligible for home hospice care, but we went that route with our dad and the hospice care worker only comes by once a week to administer meds, do a weekly check on the patient's condition, and that's about it. We were 'lucky' with Dad because when it got to the point that none of us could properly care for him (or even handle him anymore as he was becoming rather violent due to dementia), he was already in the last stages of his disease and died on the 7th day of after his admission to the hospice center. But Dirk lives alone and my sister and I live an hour away respectively; neither of us readily able to move in with him to help him, even if he were to allow that anyway.
At this point Muz, we're pretty much resigned to taking it one day at a time after finally realizing that any decisions to be made will be made by the doctors unless they feel that Dirk is mentally incompetent and can't make those decisions or choices for himself. Then and only then will they appoint a 'surrogate' from the family to make those decisions. However, Tam & I are going to contact the oncologist who treated both our parents up to the time of their deaths for a second opinion. He knows us and we trust him, and he was the only doctor to suggest that we didn't allow our dad to go through the chemo treatments; Dad's other doctors all being in the gung-ho 'let's bombard this 83yr. old man with all the chemicals we've got' camp. Almost unbelievably, our dad was in much better physical condition at the time the 'no-chemo' decision was made than our brother is in now. If anyone will understand and provide us with clarity and reasonable options it'll be him (the other oncologist). Predictably enough, when we voiced our intent to the head-nurse, we were met with resistance from the the rest of the staff involved in the care of our brother. Unfortunately for them, our 'family' oncologist just happens to be the head of the oncology department at this hospital.
Edit: Here we go. The doctors have been lowering Dirk's dosage of pain, anti-anxiety, and anti-depression meds in order to try to bring him to a less confused state so that he can tell them what he wants in regards to treatment. My sister just texted me saying that she just received an angry phone call from our brother who was shouting at her that if she didn't come to take him home (she works half an hour away from the hospital), he would call a taxi and leave. The problem is, Dirk thinks he's in jail right now.
And so it begins.
Tocky on 1/3/2012 at 03:47
My sister went through something similar with her husband as he deteriorated with Huntingtons. He was uncontrolable until the late stage but little help to be had from professionals of any sort. He once turned on the tub water and flooded the entire house while she was at work. I was at a loss as to how to help her or to do much of anything besides replace glass in her front door and small things. I'm equally at a loss here.
Your brother has been killing himself slowly for a long time and as terrible as it is to say prolonging that now seems the wrong thing to do. Any long distance advice is equally wrong though so all I can do is give my sympathy. I worry my own brother will continue to let the alcohol monkey get the better of him. I know that if two marriages didn't slow him then I have little hope of making a dent. It's always up to them.
Mostly what these sort of things make me do is pray for a massive stroke when my time comes. I feel selfish for thinking that when I should be giving sage advice but damn if I want to burden those who love me with this sort of torture. I'm not real long on sage anyway. I do wish I could help for all the great pile of jack that does.
Dia on 1/3/2012 at 06:08
Thanks Tocky. It's always comforting to hear from friends, no matter how far away they may be.
My sister and I were finally appointed by the hospital as surrogates (in making decisions) for our brother today; took them long enough. We had to call in the big guns, i.e. our parents' (former) oncologist who's the head of that oncology dept., since this morning we caught the oncologist assigned to him trying to manipulate Dirk into agreeing to allow her to subject him to chemo immediately. She was telling our brother that if he agreed to 'take the medicine' she was offering, then he could finally go home (bald-faced lie, btw), and that his family didn't want her to give him that medicine. Keep in mind that our brother is so disoriented that he no longer recognizes either my sister or I, nor does he know where he is anymore. Not only that, but he's so physically wasted that there's no way Dirk would even survive that first chemo treatment; an opinion shared by the head oncologist. My sister is the complete opposite of me and normally wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful, but boy! When she heard what that doctor was saying to Dirk, Tam turned into avenging-angel-harpy-mega-bitch with that lady oncologist. I was so proud you'd think I'd just given birth. ;)
The doctors believe it's just a matter of days now. All we can do is try to make Dirk as comfortable as possible, which is difficult as the tumor pressing on his spinal column has fractured two more vertebrae. We're faced with the choice of allowing the staff there to administer heavier doses of morphine, which would cause his lungs to fill with liquid faster and bring about the inevitable more quickly, or just letting him lie there in mortal pain while prolonging his life for a day or two more. This is the most God awful situation I've ever experienced. Neither of our parents experienced this kind of pain with their cancer, which makes it even harder for my sis & I.
It's getting harder to fall asleep lately.
Dia on 4/3/2012 at 17:08
A brief update and then I'm done.
My brother Dirk died at 1:20 this morning in the same hospital in which he was born, just 1 hour and 20 minutes after his 58th birthday ended. I wish I could say he died peacefully, but unfortunately, Dirk fought every agonizing step of the way. It's still hard to believe he's gone. My sister Tam and I were there holding his hands through the bitter end because we'd promised him he wouldn't die alone. It's just my sister and I now.
I wanted to say something positive about my brother, since the last 30 years of his life were so miserable and unrewarding, so here goes.
Dirk was highly intelligent, had a fantastic imagination, was always loyal to his friends, family, and girlfriends (respectively, mind you). He was extremely compassionate before alcohol and drugs started ruling and ruining his life. As a kid he loved to 'explore' the fields and forests around our home, always taking his water pistol and/or cap-gun along to protect us from 'evil aliens'. He was always looking out for my sister and I; always there when we needed his help. Once, when we'd gone exploring a nearby farmer's meadow, my sister accidentally fell into a cowpond which had a severe dropoff near the shore. Before I could even cry out, Dirk had already jumped in and rescued her (she couldn't swim yet): he was only 9 years old. He then took the blame when we got home, as our parents had forbidden us to go exploring in that particular field, even though the whole excursion had been my idea.
Dirk had a great sense of humor and loved Monty Python; he always got a serious kick out of the BBC sitcoms, much to the confusion of some of his more rural-minded buddies. He loved any and all science fiction and believed he would be reincarnated (tongue-in-cheek here) as a starship pilot. He loved music and the Beatles, Clapton, Santana, and Lynyrd Skynyrd were some of his favorites (he had quite ecclectic tastes, ranging from classical to salsa). He played the trumpet and was quite good at it. His compassion for animals was so very touching and at one time in his early adulthood he was evicted from his apartment because he'd started taking in stray cats and dogs and had quite the menagerie, much to his landlord's disapproval (he managed to find good homes for each one of those poor critters, too). He was quite the athlete also, taking home baseball and gymnastic trophies that would've made any parent proud. Dirk and I always had a running competition to see how many months we could stay on the straight-A honor roll at school. He won after I met my first boyfriend. ;)
We'll never know or understand what angst and misery drove my brother. All we know now is that he's finally found the peace that eluded him all his adult life.
Rest in peace, Bro. You've earned it.
Inline Image:
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c262/Diah_/TTLG%20Stuff/DirkPfeifferObit.jpgdemagogue on 4/3/2012 at 17:57
I feel for your loss Dia.
That was a lovely eulogy.
nickie on 4/3/2012 at 18:04
Sounds like once upon a time he was a great brother to have. I hope you will get some peace yourself now.
Martin Karne on 4/3/2012 at 18:19
Damn, I hate when I'm right, they were lying all the time, he was in a very bad terminal stage, by this time there was hardly anything to do at all, but wait for the painful end to come.
I'm very sorry, as a scifi fanatic I feel I've shared more than once his enthusiasm about his space fever.
He took way too long to do a medical check up and there was nothing to do in the last minute.
Peace in space for him.
The Phantom on 4/3/2012 at 18:53
I'm sorry to read these sad events, Dia :(. My condolences and take care.
May you brother find the peace and joy he had during his childhood.
Mr.Duck on 4/3/2012 at 20:39
May he rest in peace. And may you and your sister find some peace and comfort remembering the man he once was.
*Hugs*
SubJeff on 4/3/2012 at 21:14
Wonderful eulogy Dia.
RIP Dirk.
