Another seriously depressing 'life or death' thread. :(

nickie on 5/3/2012 at 20:14

Quote Posted by Dia

My God I miss him so much already.

Yes. It doesn't matter, does it, how dreadful things might have been at times, if you love 'em, then it hurts. I'm so glad you posted a picture of him. I'm not religious Dia but my mother is and so she'll say a prayer or two.

Matthew on 5/3/2012 at 22:10

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss also, Dia.

Displacer on 5/3/2012 at 22:12

Very sorry :(

I hope you can find some peace as he has finally found

Hewer on 6/3/2012 at 17:10

I'm sorry for your loss, Dia. You're a good person, and I hope you can find some peace in all of this.

Dia on 8/3/2012 at 01:21

Today our family's ordeal finally ended. We laid my brother in his final place of rest and know that he is at peace. Now comes the time for healing for me, my sister, and our families. I want to thank all of you for your kind words and support. I can never express how very much appreciated those words have been.

Thanks again, one and all.

I feel like I could sleep for the next 24 hours.

Or at least take lots of naps.

Al_B on 8/3/2012 at 01:37

There's nothing wrong with taking some time out and rest for yourself - it sounds like it's due. It's horrible to lose a family member in this way regardless of the circumstances, so your frankness about talking about the situation is appreciated.

All the best but don't leave it too long until you post again :)

fett on 8/3/2012 at 15:02

Just saw your post on FB, Dia. So sorry to hear this, but glad the nightmare is over. I know there are lots of preparations and decisions, just try to rest in between as much as you can. Love ya.

faetal on 8/3/2012 at 16:15

I never got the point of funerals until I went to the first one of someone close to me.
The catharsis of letting all of the grief out during the ceremony and then getting half cut and trading anecdotes and stories during the wake was really therapeutic. Nothing makes up for the loss, but sharing with others who are similarly affected definitely helps to start the healing.

heywood on 14/3/2012 at 10:49

Dia,

Really sorry about your loss. I guess it's fortunate for Dirk that the hospital suffering didn't drag out longer. I lost my mom to the bottle when I was 27, a cousin to heroin shortly after, and I'm watching my brother waste his life away struggling with alcohol as well. So I can empathize and imagine you've spent years feeling frustrated and futile. But you still love them...

A day or two before my mom died, she was lying in the hospital bed, hallucinating about her friend the caterpillar on the wall, and then she had what might have been her final moment of coherence in which she pulled me close and asked me to take her outside to get some fresh air one last time. I asked her why, she paused for a bit and then she gave me a grin and said "So I can have... a cigarette!!!"

Fucking addiction. :mad:

But in hindsight, I wish I could have done that for her.

I imagine your brother struggled with depression. But he fought and hung on as long as he did because he cared about something. Hope you can find some inspiration in his will to live despite it all.

Dia on 14/3/2012 at 12:11

Thank you so much, all. @heywood: my sister and I believe that it was more Dirk's body that held on to life than his actual will. We figured that after all the crap he'd put his body through in the past 30 years, his body learned how to survive against the odds and in spite of everything he kept pumping into it. We wish we could've reached him somehow; helped him learn to help himself, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

One thing I've found that has proven to be cathartic has been going through his possessions in his house. It's made Tam & I realize that Dirk's downward spiral was out of control a long time ago, even before he and his last girlfriend broke up (a couple yrs. ago) and there was actually not a damn thing we could've done because he was farther gone than we knew. But some good has come out of that, oddly enough, because we've been able to help Dirk's last girlfriend realize that there's no reason for her to put herself through such anguish, guilt, and self-blame. The poor woman had been beating the hell out of herself, blaming herself for Dirk's increasing depression and his attempt to stay constantly inebriated, thinking that if she hadn't thrown him out and had tried harder to help him that this wouldn't have happened. Helping Beth realize that there wasn't a fucking thing she could've done differently that would've made any difference really helped both of us as well. We'll never know if we could've gotten him to the doctors and maybe caught the cancer before it spread. But the cold, cruel fact is that when Dirk should've known that there was something serious going wrong with his body, he was almost constantly drunk and high on pills and didn't go to the doctor when another person would have heeded those warning signs. I can't go down the 'could've/should've' road anymore though; that'll just make me bugnuts.

My brother kept the damndest things and some of them made us laugh, while others made us shake our heads, wondering why. I found a plaque I'd made for him back when we were kids and that was probably the only time I actually sobbed. We were both very into Tolkien and for one of his birthdays I'd decoupaged an old Hildebrandt picture of Galadriel & Aragorn onto a piece of rough-cut wood. I'd forgotten what I'd inscribed on the back and that was pretty much what set me off: 'Dirk, Before you go to the Greyhavens, come see me in Lothlorien.'

Otherwise, sorting through the mess he left, being able to clear and clean things out and put things in order was very healing for us and gave us closure that we'd been unable to find even after we watched his coffin lowered into his grave. We love our brother and will miss him, but knowing his struggles, battles, and pain are over with is a definite relief for my sister & I.

Our healing process has begun and life goes on.

Thanks yet again for all your kind words and support.