scumble on 16/2/2014 at 16:50
I tend to believe now that most Neurotypical (or developmentally normal) people, even if they say they find smalltalk difficult are actually pretty good at it.
I guess if you don't know what severe interaction problems are like you just judge yourself against people who are gifted at communication. To me most people seem like pros at conversation.
But it's true that I don't have much of a general interest, so I switch between obsessive single minded interests. To me it looks like most people are superficially interested in loads of things, and the other frustration with conversation is that no-one wants to go beyond a certain point. Because with nearly everything I can go into incredible detail, almost against my own will. Everyone wants to stop too early and bounce around onto some other thing.
It seems to me that you have to wade through so much inconsequential piffle to even start getting someone comfortable with you, and just trying is incredibly tiring. I have to give a lot just to manage a small conversation but it is never seen as significant, like nothing I can do is good enough for someone to be interested.
It's a pinch situation because I am stuck between not wanting to be lonely, but I also don't want to be a fake or mimic or go along with stuff just to not be lonely, as one just ends up with less than ideal people. I mean, it's not all me "choosing" to be a sad loner, it's more that attempting to make friends is so draining and with unpredictable results, that I'm not able to make the huge emotional investment just to be presented with a person's indifference. In the end I am totally demotivated.
My experience is just that people think I'm ok, but they don't want me as company or have a particular interest in me. I am a vague footnote in a few people's lives, but no-one seems to remember me with any affection. Either that or I just can't see it unless someone specifically tells me they actually like me and why. The only way I know that I have made one friend is because he tells me he thinks I am one. I don't actually understand why, even after more than 10 years.
I've spent a long time feeling self conscious about talking about this, and partly it's difficult to get past people's resistance to thinking of me as a typical adult just because I happen to inhabit the body of one.
Well that was a bit of a ramble. One day I might be able to get it all straight and write a book about it...
SubJeff on 17/2/2014 at 13:44
Yeah scumble, I get you. It's weird isn't it - I
know what you mean, but I can never understand what it feels like. I have to draw from the times I've been in the wrong crowd (for me) and just couldn't really communicate because I had nothing in common with those people.
Quote Posted by faetal
It's not helped by not being into much of the stuff which people use for small talk. The worst is when people try to talk sport to me.
"Did you see
the game the other day?"
"Sorry no, not really my thing"
More often than not, that's followed with something along the lines of "really?!" or "why not?" and I almost end up feeling like I have to come up with an excuse or something.
Ha ha. I use to find this awkward but the older I get the less I care what people think, and the more relaxed I am. I just say "I don't have the time" or "Just never got into it". Many of my friends are really into football and are in a rage at the moment over Hull City's potential name change. I take the mick all the time because I just can't see how or why you'd get so bothered about it.
PigLick on 17/2/2014 at 14:23
Quote Posted by scumble
stuff
you know, that really sounds like depression more than anything else, and trust me, I've been there. What you do is give other people the benefit of doubt and you slowly realise that not everyone is a one-note automaton that have no emotional investment in what you have to say, or feel.
You have a family yes? I do remember you posting about having a baby and such, please correct me if I am wrong.
faetal on 17/2/2014 at 15:02
Quote Posted by NuEffect
Ha ha. I use to find this awkward but the older I get the less I care what people think, and the more relaxed I am. I just say "I don't have the time" or "Just never got into it". Many of my friends are really into football and are in a rage at the moment over Hull City's potential name change. I take the mick all the time because I just can't see how or why you'd get so bothered about it.
I don't feel awkward, just kind of nonplussed that anyone would bother to pursue it. My stock response is not having the time too. I don't mind watching the international contests as there is a bit of spectacle there to get a hook on. But I hear people around me having in depth discussions about transfer windows and how this manager isn't as good as that manager etc... If I was being honest, I'd say I'm not that into it because when I hear people talking about it, my brain tunes them out until they sound like the teacher from Peanuts.
scumble on 17/2/2014 at 15:29
I know the difference with depression mind you. With depression I lose motivation for everything, so it's not quite the same thing. People often say not to think too much and all that, but I don't have any other alternative when the stuff people say cheers them up has no relevance to me.
But I think I've passed the heavily cynical attitude I used to have, now it is more that I'm stumped about where to go next.
I think the "completely wrong crowd" effect is a similar situation, except everyone is the "wrong" crowd, even if I'm around people I like and am interested in.
I suppose the other thing might be desperation. I keep thinking I need so much direction that people just lose patience, and I'd like someone to rescue me by telling me exactly what to do to connect with a particular person. If only people had an instruction manual...
When it comes to the root of the problem, I am just missing a load of stuff that humans evolved to help them get on with each other. It is a lot of intuitive non-verbal perception that most people aren't conscious of. It makes me miss signals that might help me and I fail to transmit signals that other people rely on to infer whether I find them interesting or not.
Basically the whole condition resolves the mystery of a lifetime of being totally confused by people, but it doesn't solve the problem of isolation and loneliness necessarily. I guess it needs time because I am still half in grief and half angry about not having known.
I say grief because it seems like I've failed to have a life outside my own head. I guess that's not entirely true, but I suppose the important point is that I don't entirely identify with things that have happened to me, as if looking back it all happened to somebody else.
The more I write about it it becomes clearer why it's so hard to make friends. My perception of life must just seem so odd.
PigLick on 17/2/2014 at 15:42
looking back at your post history you have kids(plural)? How does that affect you?
scumble on 18/2/2014 at 12:01
My two boys live with me. I tend to understand them much better than adults, as if I know their experience of things or am still experiencing it. Organisational stuff to do with kids isn't easy for me, but I get help there from the family at least. Yes, my mum still looks after me...
SubJeff on 18/2/2014 at 14:55
Didn't you post some pictures of your son in the garden once? I thought about them when you posted this but I didn't want to pry. I'm glad things are working out. How old are your children now?
scumble on 19/2/2014 at 17:53
6 and 8. We play quite a bit of minecraft together at the moment.
Ulukai on 19/2/2014 at 18:14
I got "50 multiple choice questions, I don't have the patience for that"
