For all you post college graduates out there... - by pdenton
pdenton on 11/4/2011 at 02:18
I graduated in 09 and thus far life has been the series of ups and downs that I knew it would be. I studied film at UNC School of the Arts and have been lucky enough to get somewhat steady film work while making my independent stuff on the side. But I'm 23 now and I'm filled with self doubt, uncertainty, and wondering what to do with my life.
I had heard from older friends that 23, for whatever reason, was a year of serious introspection, of personal crisis, and hopefully, tremendous growth. And so far, 23 has proven to be just that. I had a immensely depressing summer, unsure of what to do with my life (namely moving to LA or staying in NY...and of course there was a bad break up...) and as of now I stand a much more sophisticated and mature person for it. But the feeling of uncertainty still lingers. I'm finally comfortable again trying new things and just saying to myself (and others) that I'm in that "figuring it out" phase. I know to stay in such a state for a long period of time would be catastrophic but temporarily I think it's acceptable. I'm asking myself questions like: Is film what I really want to do? If so, am I good enough to continue to work in that industry? What do I want out of life? What's gonna make me most happy?
I've been saving money for a move but I feel like that money might be better suited to travel and do some self discovery. But of course I'm concerned a trip somewhere could be a dead end and a waste of money. No risk, no reward, but when money is involved I tend to be a little more cautious with risks.
I know there are people who have more significant problems and that mine are, by contrast, pretty common. But driving around listening to Explosions in the Sky can only bring so much introspection to someone so I thought I'd throw this up here and see if anyone else is going through something similar and, if anyone's been where I am, if there was anything you did to get grounded again or clear your head?
Yakoob on 11/4/2011 at 02:44
Hello fellow graduated film enthusiast!
I've spent a summer "working" in LA on various independent film productions, and in the span of 3 months I managed to earn a whopping 5 bucks, so I definitely feel your pain. That's why I've been keeping my web design / programming side sharp so I can support myself while I try to pursue what I actually want to do.
I graduated just last year, but have been getting a masters in a completely unrelated degree in North Ireland (which is a bit long story so I'll spare the details; lets just say, for variety of reasons, the experience did not live up to my expectations and my 23rd year has been rather less-than-stellar so far). But I am finishing my dissertation this September, and then the uncertainty you describe is already creeping in. Not quite looking forward to that.
Where are you now, NY or LA (I wasn't sure)? If you will be in LA after this summer feel free to hit me up for anything, tour de city or a nice beer out in town; I am semi-familiar with the city, having lived there 3 summers between school, and will most likely end up there again after my program here is done.
Out of curiosity, do you have a portfolio or a youtube channel? Would love to check out a fellow TTLG filmmaker's work!
CCCToad on 11/4/2011 at 03:05
Kinda....it was sparked by a combination of a nasty breakup, sudden move, and a new high stress job all at once. It also didn't help that the new town was a nasty little midwestern dump, with high crime, nothing to do, and a nasty climate.
One things that can do a lot to help you is to find a good mentor. Find somebody who's been down the same path you wan to walk, is good at it, and (most importantly) is capable of teaching his lessons. It can make things a lot easier.
demagogue on 11/4/2011 at 04:27
You could of course always go to grad school and delay the inevitable.
Man, I hate big life transitions. In your mind you want to find this secure and totally transparent life path that will carry you the rest of your life, but in reality you have to deal with weird jobs, temporary situations, the moving, the constant plotting, and (the worst part) never being 100% sure you're really on a path that will get you where you want to be in like 10 years, and then realizing that it might not be in anybody's control anyway ... (companies downsize, situations evolve, the entire economy evolves, people constantly come and go). I can't even say it gets much better years out of school, there's still that uneasy feeling...
But then I picked a career path that's particularly volatile, international law, so it's not like I didn't know what I was signing up for, but the work is about a billion times more interesting IMO than what I hear from my friends too, who are putting in insane hours doing boring grind work. So I'm doing what I ultimately *want* to be doing, which is important for motivation. I mean, as long as you're working and doing roughly the sort of thing you want to be doing, that's a big part of it.
I imagine it varies a lot by career though, by the current state of whatever industry it is, and just by dumb luck. I know some people who never seem to have a single bump and it always seems smooth sailing, and other people seem to bump along forever... That said, you obviously want to be smart and do things that minimize the bumps as much as possible and get you in a situation where you feel good about it.
Edit: For the record, since I went to NYU I of course got very attached to NYC while I was there and really wasn't very happy about having to leave at all. But unless you get something with the UN (which is stacked against Americans) it's not really the place you can do international law or regulatory law, which is all centered in DC.
The thing is, there comes a point in most people's lives I think when they realize they could be a lot of different things ... an engineer, a writer, an artist... and be at least as happy and successful; pros and cons for each. Picking something to do with your life is a little arbitrary in that way. But you're going to be happier doing *something* than bumping around, so you pick a path and your job then is to really play it as best you can and do it well. While my heart was wishy-washy about where I wanted to be emotionally (I could feel equally at "home" in NYC, Tokyo, or Austin as DC), but I knew DC was where everything for int'l and regulatory law was, so that's where I focused my attention. And then even if you want to transition to something else later, it helps if you play your current hand well. So if the action for you is in LA and you think you can play your hand better there, it's maybe a good idea to play it that way ... And you don't have to really justify it or second-guess yourself further than that, and worry yourself. You're doing what's a good idea to do, and that's good enough. At least thinking like that might help you deal with the ambivalent feelings, which are sort of natural for everybody, and put your mind a little at ease about what you're doing.
Scots Taffer on 11/4/2011 at 05:07
Yeah, good luck restricting that rudderless/anchorless-feeling to solely your post-college years, it can strike at any time just as demagogue has explained and I and many others will surely attest.
In fact, I felt less like that directly after leaving university (because life had an easy focus at that point: get a job, make crazy money, hookers 'n' blow, etc) and more like that after a few years on the job. I wasn't even at a technical transition point. It was sometime after all that when the impacts trickled down and made themselves known to my psyche and personality.
I had a 6 month old child and was also caught up in a massive downswing (financially and systemswise) at my company that lasted around 9 months. These changes began to affect me on a number of levels. My personality and attitudes were shifting longer-term due to the newfound responsibility of parenthood, but my immediate satisfaction and prospects/opportunities were at risk due to my work situation. This caused a bit of a downward spiral for me and I sunk pretty deep, really questioning what I wanted to do and whether or not it was possible, why was I doing what I was doing now and how much of the good/bad was attributable to myself, real messy circular shit that hints at depressive and self-destructive tendencies. These aspects bled over into my personal life and behaviours, which adversely impacted my outlook and hence my attitude towards many things that I previously would have looked upon very differently. In short, I got fucked up but good.
I was in the hole for about six months and by the time I clawed my way out, everything started to line up in an inspired bit of synchronicity. I interviewed for other jobs just when someone chose to leave my company and opened up a really different role for me (which I got and excelled in), my role and attitude towards family life got into a very happy place (cemented by a decision to have baby #2). This has more or less continued to go from strength to strength and since these are two of the biggest factors in continuing success and stability in my life, I continue to focus a lot of effort on them.
How I got out was through a lot of soul-searching and deep analysis of what had gotten me to where I was in life, what I wanted and whether or not I was on the right path to getting there with my current actions. At the same time I went through a highly critical exercise in stacking up my personal pros and cons - in essence, what works, what doesn't, what's negative that's contributing to bad personal stuff and what's negative that's contributing to bad work stuff, then focus on the good and excise/manage the bad. It's a tough process and while deeply enlightening on some level, I'm not sure I could share too much of what I actually learned as a lot of it is in realising that by focussing entirely on your mental state and perception you are already altering it.
So, erm, yeah - good luck!
Shakey-Lo on 11/4/2011 at 08:49
Sup I heard this was the thread for 23 year old film graduates?
I had a similar feeling back in Perth. I knew my life needed a shake up so I moved 3500km to Brisbane. It did the trick, shook me out of my rather dull comfort zone, and though finding work was and is difficult (currently working freelance) I am optimistic and feeling good about the move. I would definitely recommend starting fresh in a new city.
Muzman on 11/4/2011 at 09:00
It seems trite to say it but I don't think it ever truly leaves you. It just becomes part of the scenery.
Although I'm sure we can all think of some person (probably guy) who is so perfectly self assured and devoid of introspection and doesn't know what you're talking about. And sometimes it'll be some really nice family type who is perfectly at ease with everything. But I think these people are actually fairly rare (and in regards to the former case this is a good thing).
I think film gives slightly more unrealistic expectations than most youthful pursuits, particularly if you want to make your own stuff. If your schooling is anything like mine the institution and culture is all about ferreting out the whiz kids, year after year, and when they think they've got one they promote the shit out of them and the rest o' you pond scum can just take notes (and you may be stuck wondering what the fuss is all about most of the time). Most of them vanish without a trace.
Real life people like Scorsese, Tarantino, Fincher, Rodriguez et al have kinda caused this distraction. However it's both heartening and depressing to note that on average, across film and TV the world over, people don't generally get put in charge of largeish productions until they are 40 or so. Many were even very good back in school. Plenty of them come from some different field entirely where they've established themselves.
That's the typical amount of experience and general personal stability needed to get people to trust you with a cast, crew and pile of cash. Not entirely surprising when you think about it.
There's plenty of time for figuring out if you're any good at this later on, I suppose is the take home point. I can assure you that coming back to it as a second stab at a career when you're 27 is worse (watching all the bright young things get picket ahead of you because they're fresher and more malleable I suppose). Between all the failed projects and job applications and time off since I only really know that I may not be any good at this, but I'm better at it than anything else I can think of. And I can stand doing it on a regular basis, unlike most other things I can think of.
I know I was supposed to try and cheer you up but that's the best I've got really. Sorry.
Queue on 11/4/2011 at 13:45
By twenty-four, life is pretty much meaningless. At this point, you may want to just kill yourself to avoid becoming an old-maid, cause God knows that only two-years after being old enough to legally drink, everything should be falling into place, you should have found your purpose, and that the best years of your life are already behind you.
Or...
Instead, how about you realize that you're ONLY TWENTY-THREE!! Irrespective of what you may think, you're not sophisticated; you're not mature. You still have zits, and haven't learned how to fuck properly. Quit trying to be something you're not: rife with life experience. And quit having a crisis, for fucks sake. What is it, all the hormones they stick in the milk and the chicken nuggets that's turning all young men womanish? So what if you've been tricked into getting an education that you're never going to use.... So what if you have little money.... So what if your girlfriend ran off with a negro.... You're not married. You're not tied to anything. So why not take some chances, enjoy your youth, and gain experience through trying different things and taking on some challenges. Along the way, you may figure out what you want to do with your life and actually have some fun.
Or...
Continue mopping being introspective, and do nothing.
old toro on 11/4/2011 at 20:49
Don't think, thinking will fuck up ur life. Instead, just do whatever it makes you happy. Just do it. Doesn't matter that u will not have success in the first years [maybe 2 or 3 years], but success will eventually come. As for movie, maybe is not ur vocation. But before u can say this with a straight face, give ur best shoot. Make a short movie, make something. And cut the crap with introspection. Ur still a kid.
Sulphur on 11/4/2011 at 20:59
u've got ur hole life ahead of u
