I think I am having my midlife crisis...

SubJeff on 26/12/2012 at 13:37

To be honest you've taken the first step by posting on here whether you realise, or feel it (which you may not given your current state), or not.

Do let is know how you get on. You've dealt with crap in the past, which bodes well for your natural resilience but which can be a contributor to mood problems.

We may argue like little bitches about all sorts on here but when you're in trouble you know your net homecrew have your back.

Yakoob on 26/12/2012 at 16:28

Quote Posted by gunsmoke

... I am just not able to appreciate this stuff anymore, though ... going camping by myself tomorrow ... I am totally able to see all of this behavior, but am unable to do anything to change it. I don't know if I am unable or unwilling, it is just that nothing will fire to counter it. I don't even know if I give a shit though.

Gunny, some of the stuff you describe sounds awfully familiar... check your PMs. But also echoing the advice in the thread.

scumble on 26/12/2012 at 16:38

SE is right. Sounds like a depressive episode. If none of the usual things work to improve your mood and it doesn't make sense it's just a good idea to get treatment if you can. It's happened to me so I am speaking from experience - don't let yourself slip further down the hole.

Harvester on 26/12/2012 at 19:05

To me it sounds like (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia) Dysthymia, which is not a major full-blown depression (with suicidal thoughts, sleeping all day, not being able to perform at work and such) but sucks balls nonetheless, and can grow into a full depression if you don't try to stop it. Please try to get over the idea that seeking help is for pussies (I don't know if you have that idea, but many people do). And I concur with letting your girlfriend and other people close to you know what's going on. All the best of luck, I could offer to pray for you if you want but I don't know if that means anything to you or if you even want me to.

EDIT: that was poorly phrased, it makes it sounds like I'm downplaying what gunsmoke is feeling. As the Wikipedia link says, Dysthymic disorder actually is a full depression. It's just not as severe as major depressive disorder, where you typically don't get anything done at all and feel like shit to the point of wanting to end it all to make it stop. But dysthymia can be really terrible as well, it can last for years and makes you unable to enjoy most things you would normally enjoy, sucking all joy from life. But because you don't feel so terrible that you want to kill yourself, and can still function in your job etcetera, people sometimes start to think that it's part of who they are, part of their character, instead of thinking about it as having a depressive disorder.

Scots Taffer on 26/12/2012 at 23:12

I'm not a professional depressive but I've definitely dabbled... I empathise entirely with your current mindset, gunny. I particularly understand the "seeing your own behaviour but still doing it" part - the key to breaking this cycle is to understand what the triggers for your behaviours are, inform others if they influence those triggers (not blaming them but explaining to them how these triggers work and what they cause; only do this if they're likely to give a shit, of course) and then seek to minimise/remove yourself from situations where those triggers eventuate. From there, you can seek to try to find an equilibrium where hopefully you realise that you have the ability to be a positive influence in other people's lives (like your child's) and then try to give something of yourself when there's something there to give. It's futile to try to help anyone else when you're not well in yourself... I'm not saying it can't be done, but it's unlikely to be a long term sustainable solution.

Nuth on 26/12/2012 at 23:33

Regular exercise can help with depression for a lot of people. Might be worth a try if you're physically inactive. It's easy to drift into a more and more sedentary lifestyle as a person ages. I'm a cycling enthusiast(bicycling the only exercise I ever engage in), and I can feel it affect my mood whenever I lay off of it for too long.

Scots Taffer on 27/12/2012 at 00:00

Very good point, Nuth. I went through a period of working out like a motherfucker. I've settled back into a more relaxed routine now, but weights training in particular is very good for working through negative emotion cycles.

Tocky on 27/12/2012 at 02:13

You know what would straighten you out immediately? I mean like right now pow? Clarence. The angel Clarence. Once he takes away everything and you get all that great relief from responsibility you can finally appreciate what an idiot you are. Things are things. You get them and they lose luster and you wonder why you had to have them. When you look back on things you used to have you get a nostalgia boner for carefree days of wine and roses. Fine. Some things are super cool all on thier own too. I've had some great muscle cars and would love to have them back. But when I really think of what I would do with them verses what I would do with other things that more fully include those who care for me they just fade. On the other hand maybe you want to cruise cross country in a sweet 442 convertable with your babe singing songs lost in the wind. That could be awesome.

The only thing that makes a damn is memories you make with people. I see pictures of me with my treasures over the years and my mind goes back to those days. I don't think of the car itself except as a prop for what I did with the friends I was with. Stuck to the axle on the beach because we had to see how great it would be to cut a figure eight amid twin roostertails of sand. Stuff like that. I sometimes wonder where they are now. Are they rusting in a field somewhere? Does someone rub them with wax and call them baby? Do they have any idea how hard it was to give them up because I needed the money for Christmas one year? But in the end I think of who was in the seat beside me and the regrets ease. Things are things, great things sometimes, but still things. I wish I could buy you a drink and slap some sense into you but I think you will wise up. You already see the handle. I hope it doesn't take too long to grab it. You fuck up and lose somebody and things will come into sharp focus for what they are.

Yakoob on 27/12/2012 at 05:13

Quote Posted by Nuth

haha, I am the same; I am home for 4 days now without a bike and I think I'm suffering biking withdrawals; every time I pass a biker a tear comes to my eye :p

That being said, it's a good advice, physical exercise releases endorphins which gives a runner's high, make you feel better etc. If you are mostly sedentary/depressed it may be really hard to get the motivation to do anything, but once you start doing it semi-regularly for like 2 weeks it becomes much easier and you will look back at yourself thinking "pfft, I can't believe I used to consider THIS too much effort to get into!"

fett on 27/12/2012 at 06:34

gunny, I've gone through the same thing in recent years (along with a lot of other shit). Life seems to change dramatically between 35-40. At 42 I just feel like it's starting to settle.

Here's the single most important thing I've learned: let go. Don't try to be the person you were, or worry about what you "should" be doing. If gaming is a chore, drop it. Find new things to do and love. I had to leave behind being a musician, a son, a public figure in my community. I moved. I started writing, painting, cooking - I've never done that stuff before, and I find it immensely more satisfying than trying to force myself to do things I enjoyed in my 20's and 30's. I found that once I just let go of the expectations I had for myself and spontaneously embraced new things, I was at peace with my wife, my kids, and myself. The people who didn't get it fell away and I don't miss them - even though I feel like I'm supposed to.

Also, listen to Scots - triggers. Figure out what sets you off and change it, communicate with people, etc. Also get some new people in your life, and find them in places you've never looked before (like Tocky says - good times and memories are the only thing you'll carry with you throughout life - even if you don't carry the people you made them with). Just go do stuff - pick stuff you would have never dreamed doing or going to before, meet people, and move on to the next phase of life. Keep what's good, leave what's not behind.