somedeadguyinadumpster on 6/2/2001 at 03:41

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What's wrong with me? I buy a game because it offers a stealthy alternative to the blood soaked gunfests that bloat the video game market. So what am I doing now? Killing servants. Male servants, to be exact. Oooooh, the fun. Why is it SO MUCH FUN? I'm convinced the people at Looking Glass were screwing with us when they designed the male servants. They know we're supposed to be sneaking around the game, instead of slaughtering everything in our path. So what do they do? They create the most pathetic, annoying, spineless sadism outlets, sprinkle them about their levels, and expect us to just sneak past them without torturing and slaying them. Your cruelty knows no bounds, you soulless infidels of Looking Glass. A pox on each of your houses!

I mean, HOW can you not want to kill the little hooded losers? That voice... that gay, cowardly little whine... "There's an intruder in the building! PROTECT ME!" ARRRRGGGHHHH!!! Just thinking about it makes me want to hit something. That PITIFUL, SPINELESS demeanor. These idiots are terrified of a skinny little thief who spends his life avoiding fights. You can run into a group of half a dozen of them, and do they think to fight back? NO! After all, "he's got a bow!" So RUN, you maroon, square headed little sissys! Fighting back and dismembering the gangly robber would be out of the question for these wimps! If they did that, they might be too tired to sodomize each other later in the night.

The fact that the goofy geeks look, act, and sound like everything I've ever wanted to hurt is bad enough. But Looking Glass couldn't leave it at that... they had to give me all sorts of ways to off the boogers. There's all sorts of other games out there that are completely devoid of ectomorph servants that beg to be slaughtered. And in these games, can you throw unconcious bodies into a fire and listen to the screams? Can you chunk people into water and watch them drown? Can you throw them off a cliff, shattering the neat pile of crates you stacked up below? NO! All those fun ways of torturing your victims JUST HAPPEN to be in the game that includes the characters that practically beg "PLEASE! KILL US IN EVERY TWISTED WAY YOU CAN THINK OF!" It is not a coincidence. It cannot be.

And Dromed. Oh, Dromed. The straw that broke my sanity and pushed me into full scale depravity. What's the point of the "Good guy" setting for AI's? There's no "good guys" in the game that follow you around and whack bugbeasts and Hammerites that get in your way. So why is the setting there? Not so I could make a room with a few dozen male servants, plant a few "good guy" guards in there, and sit back as the guards hack the skinny pussies to pieces one by one. No way, no how. The setting MUST be there for another reason. SUUUUUURE.

And the emitters. When killing servants one by one just isn't enough, and you have to reach the kind of carnage usually only saved for Shwarzenegger movies and mideast countries where they kill women for showing their ankles in public. I WISH I could say I've never lined up a emitter that spits out male servants with one that spits out fireballs. I WISH I could say I didn't sit back as a new servant appeared and instantly DIED in front of me every two seconds. I WISH I could deny these things, but I cannot, because Looking Glass just wouldn't let me. They knew of the sick urgings that seek to rise from inside me, and they exploited them all... with nothing more than some badly thrown together polygons and a voice actor who delivers his lines while his testicles are being crushed in a vise.

I think I need a nap.