Koki on 14/3/2012 at 18:15
You know what all these fantastic ideas remind me of?
Peter: (Pacing back and forth) ....So, I'm thinking that it could be based off the Total War strategic map, with inner sphere planets used instead of european provinces.
Sid: (Rapidly typing) Sounds simple enough. It should work really well in a turn-bsaed environment.
Peter: Tactical maps would vary depending on the planet type and what part of the planet you decide to assault.
Sid: I think if we limit unit sizes to lances and slow down the tactical battles from Rome to Medieval speed, it should work pretty well.
Peter: ...fully destructible environments for forest and city battlegrounds.
Sid: Obviously...
Peter: Each faction should have a distinct AI personality. Kurita and Lao Houses will be more agressive, while Steiner and Davion will seek diplomatic methods.
Sid: Ok, I can just tweak my Alpha Centauri AI and pop it in there.
Peter: We could even throw in internal conflicts among house family members.
Sid: Kind of like the breakoff factions in Rome TW Barbarian Invasion. That's real good. It'll increase the depth of the strategic portion of the game. Especially with naming heirs for each house.
Peter: Exactly. And each family member would have a distinct personality that provides bonuses or penalties, like the family members in Total War.
Sid: Excellent.
Peter: ComStar can demand crusades against individual planets, or declare an embargo against a planet.
Sid: I like that. It's kind of like the pope in Medieval, or the Church in Emperor of the Fading Suns.
Peter: Obviously, at some point, since it's a Total War-style game, some sort of barbarian invasion is needed.
Both: .....The Clans!!!
Sid: Wow. I think this might work. This sounds real good Pete!
Peter: We need some sort of gothic/techno fusion music for atmosphere.
Sid: I have Jeremy Soule's number on speed dial for that.
Peter: And the game should cure cancer.
Sid: ......what? I mean did you just say.....
Peter: Cancer. The game should cure it. Just stare at the monitor, and the distinct radiation emitted from the mechwarrior color palette will seek out tumors and destroy them.
Sid: You realize this is...scientifically impossible.
Peter: I'm thinking the music should smell like Cherry Soda.
Sid: ....I hate you.
Peter: This calls for a man who thinks exactly as a computer does. One who can never be understood in conversation or an interview without a PHD. But he'll know how to create an anti-cancer ray from a monitor, and a cherry soda smell from speakers with the proper vibration.
We must call...John Carmack.
John:*Arriving in a puff of black smoke which sounds remarkably like a spinning hard drive* Dealing with all the analytically difficult issues with something like distributed ray tracing solves lots of problems, but isn't very compatible with existing hardware acceleration methods.
Sid:My god...it's full of stars...
[a while later]
Sid: No we can't make the drop ships give stock tips, Pete! Goddam it why can't I work with someone who actually can think in and out of the box at the same time?
(In floats Will Wright.)
Will: Of course, customization will be key. I say, let each player design his own clan. Let's say you want to have a MadCat only clan. You can do that. Let's say you want only green Atlases. THe files are designed that you can design a mech to match that. Then your clan can be downloaded to an online database where it can be accessed byother gamers in a Meta-inntersphere community. Then I'll suck your cash and lifeblood from you with expansion packs containing features that could have easily been supplied in the original game and this excites me as a designer.
(Will disappears in a cloud of abstract thought.)
Sid: I hate when he does that.
Pete: ...and once the bloom lighting is added, people will no longer need nutrients...
(John Romero the intern walks in)
John: Everyone's my BITCH!
Sid: Yeah, uh, thanks for that John. Run down to the deli and get my coffee and some horse tranquilizers for Mr. Theoretically impossible here.
Pete: Should Jesus provide the FAQ?
Sid: ....no.
(American McGee slides in on his own reputation)
American: Let's put my name on the front of the title. That way, everyone know will truly know what the game is all about.
Sid: You mean a decent game overly-hyped as a ground breaking genre-buster simply because a pretentious designer put his unusual name on the front thinking that this would cover up the inherent flaws of the code because he's so l33t 3xtr3m3?
American: Uh, yeah. Besides, it worked for you.
Sid: That's because my games are good, and I only did that after I had an established reputation. Whereas you are now the M. Night Shyamalan of game designers.
American: Is that a complement?
Sid: No. Now go help John get my coffee. He probably got stuck at a doorway. Just look for the guy calling everyone his bitch.
Pete: ...the patch will include orgasms!
Sid: Yeah, I'm, uh, sure it will, Pete.
(In walks Warren Specter.)
Warren: I was thinking that if we...
Sid/Pete: You're fired.
Warren: WhaWhaWHA? But, I mean, come on! Deus Ex, System Shock, Ultima Underworld, fucking Thief! Huh? HUH?
Sid: Good stuff, Warren. Great stuff actually, and believe me I wish i could use you. But you're too good to be appreciated by the gaming comunity. So the producers have cleaned out your desk and given your paycheck to Romero.
John: Now you're my BITCH!
Sid: Shut up and keep mopping.
John: BITCH!
Pete: Our game will run on the power of peas. It simply must.
(Enter Bill Roper.)
Roper: You know, what this game really needs is more clicking.
Sid: Clicking?
Roper: Yeah, you know, clicking. With the mouse. Click to kill things, click to move, click to use things. Ideally the gamer would develop arthritis within two to six weeks.
Pete: And then... the game can cure arthritis!
Roper: No. No, it doesn't.
Pete: But...
Roper: Start clicking, bitch. Start clicking.
John: He said BITCH!
(Tim Shafer gallops in on a pink horse followed by a mariachi band)
Tim: Here's what I think.
Sid: No. Just go Tim. Trust me. Just go.
Tim: Why? You need me! No one makes games as original as I do!!!
Sid: *Sigh* I know, Tim, you're one of the best...
Tim: I mean I came up with Day of the Tentacle, Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, and fucking Psychonauts!
Sid: *Sigh* Yes, Tim, all classics no legitimate gamer should miss...
John: Is he my new BITCH?
Sid: Shut up and collate John.
Tim: I could pull a game about about a Zombie circus out of my ass and it would get game of the year nominations!
Sid: And it would probably sell as well as those guys did right?
Tim: That's, that's not fair... I... I, I'm just misunderstood...
Sid: You mean like Pete here?
Pete: If the game uses Pig Latin we could use it to go back in time!!!
Sid: No, no we can't Pete.
(Derek Smart kicks open the door.)
Derek: You want a game?! I got your game right here!!!
(Derek gets on Sid's desk and takes a massive dump.)
Derek: You see that pile of shit? That's my game. It's the best game ever. I made it. It's magnificent. No one helped me. I'm brilliant. There's a few bugs crawling around in it, but the game is what it is. I wanted to release that shit later, but the producers working with me demanded I shit now. I'm suing them so I can shit when I want to. You can't saddle this wild stalion!
(Derek wipes his ass with his resume and walks out.)
John: He's my hero. I will be his bitch.
Sid: That's actually a step up for you at this point.
American: He should put his name in the front of it.
Tim: Unfortunately, it'll probably sell better than my games.
Warren: He'll probably get my office space.
(Pete walks in.)
Pete: I figured out how to harness the power of monkeys for cell shading and... oh, did Derek stop by?
Tomonobu Itagaki saunters into the squabbling congress of game designers, accompanied by two blank-eyed, busty booth babes. Itagaki: Great ideas gentlemen, but it's lacking something special, and I know just what that something is: tits. Big, bouncy, exquisite tits. Also, the game should be an X-Box 360 exclusive.
