Reasons to commit suicide

Sulphur on 31/1/2013 at 21:44

The drag your heels mentality warps through in later years, summoned by a portal fashioned of purest ennui, twinkling like a whirlpool of sequins caught in the light from behind an aquarium wall.

Crap solidifies, liquifies, sublimates into a flash fog of miasmatic opacity that punches the air out of everyone's chests until the fire alarm sounds and you gather outside the building in its safe assembly area for a man to explain through a too-quiet megaphone how to hoist a disabled colleague by the armpits when there's an emergency, then explains how to put a fire out by repeatedly shoving a fire extinguisher into an old security guard with a grizzled moustache's hands, who douses the mock-fire in a barrel assembled from charcoal and kerosene, only to find that, ten seconds later, it erupts again, like some sparking, winking magical annoying candle on a charcoal birthday cake. Some member of the administration team is taking a video of all this with his Android tab, primarily to post on Youtube, secondarily to have evidence that this thing happened and he's clear for the next safety audit.

Meanwhile, you grind your teeth and joke about how the building would have chosen this exact spot to fall on everyone's head if there had been a fire, and if there actually had been a fire, would you actually see everyone walk briskly, not run, to stand in an area exactly next to something that's burst into flames? You just want a cuppa, and then you want to go home. The dull ache of this settles in and transmutes into lead in your shoes, and you can't move from the spot until a colleague looks at you funny and asks if you want to be hoisted by the armpit.

Oh yeah? To where? The other safe assembly area? Yeah? Yeah!?

Fuck you. Fuck off.

---

So that's totally not a good enough reason to commit suicide, but death by fire drill is certainly something I can imagine happening to someone who isn't me. I'm fully aware of how uninspiring the top part of this post is, so allow me to make up some actual content for the bottom part.

Reasons to totally commit soo-side

You think landoverbaptist.net is a real forum for real believers.
You're the guy/girl/thing/wut in this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL60hgTVPa0) thing.
You trawl through It Hurts To Live to find stupid reasons to add onto this topic and find a video that literally (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnJyCDGLUZU&list=PLgVMk00I_zraGt9o1ax_rkaK06d65qd9s&index=38) does make it hurt to live if you watch it a second longer
You youtube'd BBW TWERK when a friend told you to totally not do that
You own a bitchin' Garrett hoodie
You own a Celine Dion album
You were a guy but then decided you're actually a girl and then, after your transformation, realised you're a lesbian

In my defence, it's 3 A.M. and I've had better inspirational moments, usually not engendered by ennui or attempts to out-purple prose Jim fucking Theis. Apologies.

Azaran on 31/1/2013 at 23:58

I once saw these stories online with the worst dating and sex blunders that people had submitted, and there was this guy who went to a girl's house on their first date, they were taking a bath together, and...he lost control of his bowels...in the bathtub.
Now there's a good reason to commit suicide.

ZylonBane on 1/2/2013 at 04:45

To get to the other side.

henke on 1/2/2013 at 05:38

Quote Posted by Sulphur

You youtube'd BBW TWERK when a friend told you to totally not do that.

Stop letting Jesh put stupid ideas in your head. :(

demagogue on 1/2/2013 at 06:17

Man I lived through a fire alarm at 3 am while staying in a dorm for a deaf university. They had foghorns set up next to every bed blaring at a ludicrous volume, and floodlights aimed right at your face set on marquee spotlight brightness flashing like the apocalypse. It was insane. I didn't want to commit suicide or anything though. I just, you know, went outside, nodded at everybody else hanging out in the parking lot, watched the building totally not burn, and then went back to bed.

gunsmoke on 1/2/2013 at 06:43

Having sunk to ridiculous lows in my 20's, only to come out a better person in my 30's, my stance is such: Usually suicidal thoughts are depression or another chemical imbalance (possibly accompanied by alcoholism/addiction). It is amazing the trivial shit that you can consider ending you life over when in that state.

I get through shit 10 times as rough now as I did back then without batting an eye. For me, it is amazing how different my attitude is in just 11 years.

june gloom on 1/2/2013 at 06:49

Quote Posted by demagogue

Was this Gallaudett?

Muzman on 1/2/2013 at 07:58

Most of youtube is It Hurts to Live, no need for a tumblr or whatever.
I thought I was the last person to despair about 'youth culture', but in the past it was the internet, then it was kids on the internet, all just a fraction of wider culture. Now it's everyone.
Idiocracy didn't know the half of it. They thought we'd be going to cinemas to watch films about farts. hoho, no. We'd be watching endless films of floppy haired idiots screaming at video games, or people on helium talking funny and pulling stupid faces. People doing makeup demonstrations have to start giving living advice because their audience won't watch anything else.
If they're not watching his crap, they're arguing for their favourite shit like it's the most important issue in the world. Defending it from anyone who doesn't like it with a fervor that would seemingly end in blows.
Youtube is not so much the "democratisation of content" as some combo of public access TV and Lord of the Flies.

faetal on 1/2/2013 at 10:50

Amen sista.

voodoo47 on 1/2/2013 at 11:38

this topic.