Jackablade on 29/7/2011 at 14:46
I entered a short story contest run by a local magazine. I had fun writing my entry and I probably wouldn't have written anything had it not been for the contest so yeah, cool. I am going to repost it in entirety here for your enjoyment (immense enjoyment!) but I won't win if it's published somewhere else before the deadline so for christ's sake don't steal it and get it published!! :mad::mad:
It's called The City's Edge is Forever (not City on the Edge of Forever shut up they needed a title!)
If you would like to read it then ask and I will send you a download link. Sorry, based on what Syndy/3 said I removed the full story.
my fancy separating bullets are lost :(
theBlackman on 30/7/2011 at 00:44
Readable but in need of some serious editing. But don't give up. You have some workable ideas there.
Queue on 30/7/2011 at 02:16
Quote Posted by Jackablade
... but I won't win if it's published somewhere else before the deadline so for christ's sake don't steal it and get it published!!
No worries there, mate.
Inline Image:
http://s1.postimage.org/2mjv07p6s/headshot_suicide.gifPigLick on 30/7/2011 at 04:49
be nice dear, its not easy to post something like your own writing. Having said that, way too many "I"'s.
Jackablade on 30/7/2011 at 20:44
Thanks Piglick, any other advice?
Nicker on 30/7/2011 at 21:45
Well jackblade, unless you can give an editor a stiffy within one or two paragraphs, you have miles to go.
The problem isn't with structure or word choice or imagery, it's the fact that there is nothing interesting going on to build a narrative around. A story requires at least one character and one conflict. (Enniu is not conflict, it is tedium.)
The central character is self absorbed and untroubled. His environment lacks challenge. This is a play by play of a boring person with a boring life.
In anticipation of a protest along the lines of - this is experimental, exploding boundaries, breaking the rules! - let me remind you of the immortal words of Rickie Lee Jones, "you can't break the rules until you know how to play the game".
The most interesting element is The Server Room, which makes a way better title, IMHO. All kinds of inference there.
What is it about the server room? Why does the protagonist escape into mundane contemplations when he is there or even if he merely thinks about it? Is he some sort of bland Walter Mitty, fleeing into his regrettably stunted imagination? Does some menace inhabit the server room? Did some dreadful event occur there? Is it the protagonist's private hell? Doe he share the torment it with someone else at work or has the entire office entered into a conspiracy of denial and avoidance?
I'm not saying that these are the themes you should pursue but you need to make us care about the character and have concern for his future. Story 101: Character - conflict.
theBlackman on 31/7/2011 at 03:25
Well said Nicker!
Jackablade on 31/7/2011 at 14:54
Hey Nicker, thanks I appreciate the help. I would actually agree with you that the story does lack a central motivation and it was a problem I was trying to deal with as I was writing. Unfortunately, I still hadn't thought of any overarching theme by the time the entry deadline came along so I just tried to make it as dreamy as possible and send it in. Personally, I'm less interested in the server room bits so if I were to go back and rewrite it those parts of the story would probably change a lot, though I don't know in what way right now. At any rate, it's good to hear what people think and if I ever do something like this again I'll definitely keep your words in mind. Thanks again friend!
Syndy/3 on 31/7/2011 at 15:05
You do realise that when they say in this type of contest that it can't be anything that's been published before, that includes internet forums? They'll do a quick google of any sentence from your story, find this thread and then it's almost impossible for them to check if the guy who send in that story and the guy posting here are the same person. So they dismiss it. Much easier.
Jackablade on 31/7/2011 at 15:11
Hmm, well that sucks. I guess I'll just hope they don't do that or that they don't find it.
