fett on 17/6/2013 at 17:33
Broken Glass Studios Presents:
Thief: The Daft Project
Chapter 1
A Keeper's training
=======================================
"The essence of balance is to not give a rip about anything. To embrace a cause, to grow fond or spiteful, is to lose a lot of time that could be spent napping or watching Jefferson re-runs, after which, somebody is going to ask you to do some work. Don’t be that guy."
-- Mayar, 3rd Keeper of All Games Containing Dice
I was a latch-key kid. No family meals together, no little league baseball. Playing Nintendo 64 and stealing money from my mom’s purse to keep from having to take my own lunch to school. One night I saw a man...folks just passed him by like he wasn't there. I figured he was a vagrant or something, so I tried to avoid him.
"Hey!" I yelled when he grabbed me by the arm.
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Look buddy, I’m busy..."
"What is your name, boy?"
"Garrett."
"I really need you to do something for me."
"Look, old man, I'm not coming to your car for some candy. I've learned my lesson…"
"To see a Keeper is not an easy thing. Especially one who does not wish to be seen.”
“A what?” I asked.
“A Keeper.”
“What do you Keep?”
“Uh…we keep…uh secrets…and stuff.”
“What kind of secrets?”
“Secrets about the City and the different factions,” he whispered conspiratorially, “we have a need for those as gifted as yourself.”
“Are you a pimp? Because you look like this guy my sister once-”
“No, no, of course not! Listen, if you've grown tired of how you live, then follow me, and we will show you a different way."
"Ah, yeah, whatever…look, I’m meeting some guys at the skate park, but I'll think about it"
I took off at top speed, but when I got to the skate park, the guys had already gone and it was getting dark.
The old man found me on the way home and pestered me until I followed him. It was the beginning of a very long lasting pain in my ass....
“Hey, unlock this door or I’m calling the police!” Garrett yelled, beating on the door. He was standing in the bottom of what looked to be a tower that rose several stories into the dim above him. There wasn’t much to see, but he found himself wondering who picked out the hideous orange, pink, and green décor. It looked like something out of a Scooby-Doo fever dream.
“Welcome young Garrett,” came a sudden voice over his shoulder.
“HOLY SHIT!!” he screamed, spinning around. “You can't just sneak up on people like that! I almost punched you in the...”
But there was no one there.
The voice continued, “In the nearby rooms I will instruct you in the various skills you will need to survive.”
“Hey that’s a neat trick,” Garrett said looking around, “where are you?”
“You cannot see me. I am a Keeper.”
“Oh yeah – so I heard,” he looked around a bit, “wait…is that you up there?” he pointed at a figure perched on the walkway above him.
“No, that is not me.”
“Sure it is. Otherwise, how would you have known where I was pointing?”
Silence fell in the dark tower.
“Okay, it’s me. Could you just focus please?”
“Yeah, sure. Uh…what was that about surviving? What exactly do I need to survive?”
“The life of a Keeper. Or if you choose to blow this popsicle stand, I guess the skills could come in useful as a master thief.”
“A thief?! Look, if this is about vandalizing that snack machine outside the school gym…”
“No, this is not about the snack machine.”
“Really? Oh…ok then.” he scratched his head. The snack machine had been Basso’s fault anyway…
“I also deny any involvement in that incident with the cheerleader’s lockers…”
“This is not about the lockers. We already know who did that and he is being disciplined accordingly. Please stay in the entrance area to each room while I explain the room’s purpose,” the Keeper said.
“Sure, fine.”
A pink door slid open, exposing an even more garishly decorated hallway. “When you are ready to begin your lessons,” continued the Keeper, “proceed down this hallway to the first room.”
Garrett emerged into a dimly lit room filled with a large group of robed people. They all brandished various cleaning tools, some fingering a broom or mop, others ominously shaking cans of furniture polish. They didn’t seem to notice his presence yet.
“You must learn to avoid work,” his instructor explained, “When you see an instructor moving toward you with the broom, quickly hide in the shadows. Try to reach the other side without being noticed.”
The small door before him opened. Beams of light streamed from the windows high above, creating shadows throughout the room. Garrett reflected that while they were dark, they did not look deadly at all.
“Can I get a little help here?” one called out, peering into the darkness, “Anybody?”
“I’m looking for volunteers to clean out the basement,” cried another.
Garrett hugged the wall and quietly crept along the perimeter of the room to the other side, unnoticed by the group of Keepers.
“Well done, they did not catch you. When you are ready to continue, proceed down this corridor.” Another pink door slid open.
Down another hideously colored hallway, he entered a room in which small groups of Keepers lounged around tables playing...Scrabble?
“You must learn to engage in board games. Join a game of Scrabble and win.”
I hate Scrabble thought Garrett. He noticed that the floor was covered in a combination of soft carpet and sheet metal. Another glance at the Keepers and Garrett realized they were so absorbed in their games that they hadn’t noticed him. They were arguing back and forth over the meanings of words and syntax. He traversed the room, keeping to the carpeted areas and eventually reached the platform on the other side. The door was locked.
“Hey, what gives?” he asked his guide.
“You did not win a game of Scrabble, you just sneaked through the room.”
“I hate Scrabble. I think I should get extra points for being sneaky enough to avoid getting sucked into a board game.”
The instructor was silent as he considered this a moment.
“You know,” he said eventually in a lowered tone, “I’m not very fond of Scrabble myself. I guess I could let it slide just this once…”
The door slid open. “This hallway will lead to your next task.”
He made his way to a small courtyard. Nearby was a table with some throwing darts and a ping pong paddle.
“Now pick up your weapons,” the voice instructed.
“Uh…weapons?” Garrett asked.
“A Keeper’s worth is found in his eye to hand coordination and cat like reflexes. These tools will help you develop your skills.”
“Is there anything to eat around here?”
“Yes. In a moment you’ll get an apple.”
“An apple?”
“Yes. An apple.”
“That sucks.”
“Yes. Yes it does.”
Garrett grabbed the stuff and found some targets in the yard.
“Try readying your darts. Make sure you draw all the way back, or your shot will not have full power. No no, your standing wrong! Line you body up with the…”
Garrett nailed the target on the bulls eye, then quickly landed another a hair’s breadth underneath it.
“Ah…very well then,” the voice continued, “now try readying your ping pong paddle.”
Garrett turned to find a table behind him in the courtyard.
“Try a few practice swings before you take on a live opponent.”
“I know how to play ping pong.”
On cue, a guy in a white tennis outfit strode sullenly to the table from a small corridor to Garrett’s left.
“You’re my live opponent? What’s with the getup?”
The man’s droned, “I want to play tennis, but they say it requires too much exercise, so they make me test the new recruits in ping pong. Whoopee…”
“You mean you stand around in that hallway all day and then play ping pong whenever they want you to?”
“Pretty much. There’s a basketball court back there too,” he whispered, “but I don’t think they know about it. I shoot hoops sometimes. There's some reading material too, but I don't understand a word of it.” He raised his voice to a normal tone, looking around nervously, “But hey, isn't ping pong great? So you want me to teach you some ping pong? I love ping pong.”
“Sure,” said Garrett serving up the ball and striking his opponent between the eyes. The instructor dropped like a sack of Burrick dung.
“Very good,” said the voice, ignoring the groaning white clad ping pong trainer, “would you care for some refreshment young Garrett?”
“If it’s that apple you mentioned, no thanks. Got any beer?”
"No, but let me see..."
Garrett head some rummaging around and refridgerator doors opening and closing.
"Okay, we have some mayo - questionable expiration date - a limp stalk of celery, and some Chinese takeout."
"I'll pass."
“Moving on then. Take the key and the healing potion from that table over there.”
“A healing potion huh?” He picked it up and noticed that the crude label declaring “HEALING POTION” was peeling away at the edge. He tore it away to reveal the print on the bottle beneath.
“Hey, this is just Red Bull!”
“But a very special type of Red Bull. A healing type of Red Bull.”
“Really? Because it just looks like regular Red Bull to me.”
“Okay, you got me," the healer said dejectedly. "It's just Red Bull. It doesn't heal. It just numbs the pain until eventually you drink so many that you die from coronary malfunction. Can we move on please?”
Garrett handed it to the ping pong guy who was trying to steady himself on the table while clutching his head.
“And the key?” Garrett asked.
“For the metal door,” said the voice, “The door is locked, but this key will open it.”
“Brilliant.”
Garrett unlocked it and walked down the hall.
“Now you will learn new movements.” A rope hung from an overhead beam, where he could climb to a walkway straddling a small canal.
“Climbing a rope can be exhausting work,” the Keeper told him, “but far less laborious than helping to trim the hedges and such. Climb the rope by jumping…”
Garrett was already up top admiring the view. I wonder if I could get onto these rooftops from here…
“Ah…er…you’re a quick learner.”
“These are retarded lessons.”
“True. Now, you must learn to play Twister. Place you’re right hand on the blue dot, and your left leg on the …”
Garrett left the voice behind as he leaped across the canal, pulled himself up onto the next ledge, and slid down the rope on the other end.
Enough with this craziness, he thought, pushing his way through the exit door, I’m going home.
Just then, a green sparkle at the end of the hallway caught his eye. A beautiful green goblet with gold inlay called out to him.
That could pay for the new Goldeneye game. And then some.
Kleptomania seized him, and he started for the prize.
Just then, a Keeper turned the corner pushing a mop bucket. Garrett ducked into the shadow of the nearest doorway as the cloaked man passed him without taking notice.
He crept quietly to the end of the hall, his steps silent and swift, and tucked the goblet into his jacket pocket.
The Keepers have been training me to be one of them…but I’ve found other uses for their skills…
SlyFoxx on 17/6/2013 at 21:43
\ o /
fett FTW!
theBlackman on 18/6/2013 at 00:55
Quote Posted by SlyFoxx
\ o /
fett FTW!
Second the motion!
:thumb: :thumb:
nickie on 18/6/2013 at 09:24
:laff: Excellent - I'm ready for Chapter 2 now.
Azaran on 18/6/2013 at 09:53
Awesome! :thumb:
bikerdude on 18/6/2013 at 11:26
Im only a 1/4 of the way through and thus far its quite amusing..
Peanuckle on 18/6/2013 at 18:04
This needs to be an FM.
bartekb81 on 18/6/2013 at 22:27
Love thief parodies, and this one is great! Keep going, fett! We're waiting for more:D
fett on 19/6/2013 at 19:29
Lord Baffle’s Manor - Chapter 2
The most promising acolyte left us
Not out by our choice, mind you
He just turned a corner real fast and we lost him
His eyes were clouded, his balance was lost,
So we assumed he wasn't coming back,
It was then we lamented because we knew we couldn't con him into doing stuff for us.
- Keeper Annals
I have a simple job planned for this evening. Watch the Game of Thrones finale, eat an entire box of Double Stuff Oreos, and play a little Uncharted before turning in. Sounds great, except the rent is due. So instead I’ll break into a guarded mansion, steal another fat nobleman's priceless trinket, and leave quietly. Lord Baffle is out of town, and rumor has it that the captain of his house guard went with him, as a bodyguard. The time is ripe for a bit of burglary
The front gate of Lord Baffle's manor is always guarded, and the main street is far too exposed. But Boozy, my ever-inebriated fence, tells me there's a better way in. Seems he fell down a well one night that led right to Baffle’s basement. One guard, and likely no witnesses to...complicate matters.
The piece Boozy wants is one of those toilet paper spools – the kind with the spring inside – but with silver, jewels, and some other unusual adornments. It should command a high price. Baffle, like most of his kind, probably keeps it in his private bathroom on the top floor of the place. Close to his heart...and far from his servants.
No point in waiting. I have Boozy’s old sketches of the place, and everyone who's going to be asleep inside or watching Fallon already is. It's time to begin....
======================================================
Never hurts to try the front door, thought Garrett, leaning around to check out the grand entry.
“Hey, I’m going to the drag races tomorrow, wanna come with?” one of the door guards barked in a gruff voice.
“Bah! Drag races!”
“You soft belly! They’ve got these new running lights on the track…last time I was there, a guy tripped and broke his ankle.
“Nah! It makes me sick…when I was a kid, it was a real race. It’s all rigged now. The motors are all souped up, big corporate sponsors and such…it’s not even a real race anymore…” replied one of the other guards.
Two of Baffle’s banners framed the gated portcullis, where three armored men stood in purple garb with swords drawn.
“Motors? What are you on about? I’m talking about the drag competition at the Blue Oyster Bar where Fat Percy works. You know, dress up like bar maids, race one another around the place, have a mimosa, dance a bit…”
Garrett strolled by and headed for the well house, unnoticed until he passed another guard on the way.
“How’s it goin’” he nodded at Garrett.
“Fine. You?” it was just a courtesy, but the guy started babbling like a bald game dev trying to justify QTE's.
“No good, no good. Think I’ve got a bit of gout settin’ into my left foot here,” he started unlacing his boot, “and my old lady lost the rent on the cock fight last night. Had a real row before I clocked in earlier…”
Garrett hid the body in a nearby doorway, and dropped into the sewers to avoid any other awkward social entanglements on the way to Baffle’s.
By pure coincidence, the sewer tunnel ended next to Baffle’s well house and Garrett climbed up to the street promising himself to never again drink City water.
The drunken guard lurched and wobbled in front of the well house door, caterwauling into the night;
“TONIGHT!!! WE ARE YOUNG!!! SO LET'S SHET THE WORLD ON FYYYEEERRRR!!! WE CAN BURN BRIGHTER THAN THE SHUUUNNN!!”
Garrett hid the body in a nearby doorway. He could have easily pick pocketed the key and gone on his way, but it was the principal of the thing…
It was a long drop into the reservoir below, but he soon found himself climbing up through a gaping hole in one of Baffle’s basement storerooms.
Inside at last…
Nearby, he found a crate and went to investigate. A conversation drifted from the hallway outside…
“The sir says he wants to beef up security on the outside.”
“That’s stupid! With my drunken brother Barney out there at the well house, nobody could ever get in! People to worry about are on the inside.”
Inside the crate Garrett found what looked to be a glass-eyed baseball.
Wonder what this is?
“No, then you catch them before they get inside you taffer.”
Garrett turned the ball over and over, trying to figure out what it did.
“Oohhh…in that case, maybe we should fix that big gaping hole in the next room.”
The guards stuck their heads around the corner, just in time to see Garrett chuck the flashbomb back into the crate.
Useless…
BAM!
A blinding white light shot out staggering the guards, but Garrett was conspicuously unaffected by the blast. The guards stumbled around bumping into each other while Garrett, blessing his dumb luck, slipped past them and took off for the staircase.
He heard the guards yelling behind him for quite some time, but when he reached the top of the stairs, they seemed to give up the chase.
Two more crates lay at the backside of the top stairwell.
While I’m in here, I might as well pick up something for myself…
He opened the first crate to find a worthless blue vase. Lacking any quiet place to set it down, he decisively flung it against the wall.
“HEY!” came the voice of a guard at the foot of the stairs, “When I catch you, you’re dead pal!”
I need to get better at this…
He grabbed some coins from the other crate, then lost himself in a maze of hallways that brought him eventually to a breezeway. He could see Baffle’s huge swimming pool (currently filled with orange jello for some unknown reason) through the door on one side, and a small ascending staircase on the other. Feeling no urge for a late night jello swim, he took the stairs up through several round rooms with hideous furniture and found a hallway leading to the upstairs bedrooms.
He had to dodge several patrols, but he finally made it to the relative safety of Baffle’s media storage room. The shelves were lined with hundreds of video tapes.
I wonder if he watches them all or if they’re just for show…
Upon closer inspection, Garrett discovered that these were not store bought movies, but rather homemade films, with titles such as:
“Lord Baffle and Lady Rumsfeld”
“Lord Baffle and Lady Van Vernon”
“Lord Baffle and Lady Rutherford”
I’m guessing these movies are of a personal nature. Baffle sure does get around…
The titles got weirder as Garrett made his way around the room.
“Lord Baffle and Lord Gervasius”
“Lord Baffle and himself”
“Lord Baffle and Binky the Burrick”
Wha…?
“Lord Baffle and his toaster oven”
I think we're done here, thought Garrett, forcing the disturbing images from his mind, I’d better sanitize that silver spool before I pawn it…
He had to pick his way carefully around the inner hall until he came to a small recessed area that looked to be a vestibule for the Master Bedroom. Garrett nabbed a key from a passing guard, then went inside.
It was a round room with gongs on either side and high rafters. Another guard stood sentry in front of the doorway leading to a smaller room. He made quick work of the guard and edged toward the door.
Abrupt, gaseous noises erupted from the chamber, followed by a smell worse than some tombs Garrett had plundered. Drawing his sword, he stepped through the door.
“Baffle! Your supposed to be on vacation! In the Caymans!” Garrett surveyed the room, which was not, in fact, a Master Bedroom, but a huge private bathroom, with a grand porcelain toilet sitting atop a dias, and the great obese Baffle sitting atop the toilet itself, purple robes around his ankles and a copy of Farm Animals Weekly laying across his lap.
“Ha!” laughed Garrett, “It’s actually a ‘throne’ room! How pretentious can you get?”
“Who are you? How did you get into my bathroom?!” Baffle stood up and Garrett stumbled back horror, averting his eyes. “Guards!! There’s a thief in here!!”
“Dude-" Garrett motioned to Baffle's pants.
"Oh, sorry 'bout that. 'Scuse me," said Baffle, struggling to pull his pants up.
"Actually, I’m not a full fledged thief,” Garrett said. “I’m more like a failed Keeper, but that’s another story entirely. Mainly, I just need to pay the rent.” He eyed the silver toilet paper spool on the wall next to Baffle.
“Oh no you don’t! I had this spool imported from Cyric and it cost me a fortune! I’ll have you drawn and quartered before I give it up!” yelled Baffle, “GUARDS!”
An idea struck Garrett. “Hey, let’s make a trade.”
Baffle regarded him sardonically, “What could someone like you possibly have to trade?” The guards weren’t coming and he was starting to get nervous.
Garrett whipped a VHS tape out of his cloak, “How about you give me the spool, and I’ll give you…” he turned the tape sideways to read the label, “…Lord Baffle and the steam powered lamp post,” he raised an eye at Baffle, whose demeanor had turned to fright.
“You wouldn’t dare!”
Garrett waved the tape in the air, “I bet ‘Royalty Tonight’ would love to get their hands on a copy of this.”
“Okay okay!” he wriggled the spool out of its fixture and took the paper roll off, “here, you can have it – just give me back my tape.”
They made the switch (Garrett still averting his eyes as much as possible) as Baffle managed to get his pants the rest of the way upup. The spool was silver with crusted jewels and other bits sticking out here and there. It looked very expensive and high tech.
“Nice doing business with you…freak…” Garrett mumbled under his breath as Baffle trailed him into the anteroom.
“And with you,” said Baffle picking up a nearby mallet and slamming it into one of the gongs as a wicked smile spread across his face, “but we’re not finished yet.”
Shit. I’ve got to remember to start hiding the gong mallets. Third time this week…
He heard commotion in the hallway as he frantically sought an escape route. His gaze drifted up to the rafters.
If only I had some kind of rope or something to climb up there…
He ran back into the bathroom and yanked a long dressing from the window. Guards were beating on the doors in the anteroom.
Pretty soon they’re gonna figure out those aren’t locked…
He ran back out to the anteroom and threw the homemade rope over one of the rafters, then tied a quick slip knot and yanked till it tightened up. He had just disappeared into the darkness above when the guards crashed through the outer doors.
Baffle yelled up at him, “It’s not like there’s some kind of secret passage up there that you can use to escape!”
He soon found himself back on the second floor landing outside of the pool.
Home free…
That’s when the spool went berserk.
“PAPER PRODUCT IS LOW. PLEASE REPLENISH BEFORE NEXT USE.”
Wha…? Garrett held it out at arms length, noticing for the first time the small, but powerful speaker installed in the larger end of the tube.
“PAPER PRODUCT IS LOW. PLEASE REPLENISH BEFORE NEXT USE.”
Garrett stuffed it back into his cloak, muffling the automated voice a bit, then started for the stairs.
A high pitched beeping sound erupted from his cloak, “PLEASE RETURN SPOOL TO IT’S FIXTURE IN RESTROOM!! PLEASE RETURN SPOOL TO IT’S FIXTURE IN RESTROOM. PAPER PRODUCT IS LOW.”
A proximity detector…great…
“On the balcony!” a voice shouted from below.
Garrett ran out to the breezeway overlooking the shimmering orange pool. Guards were closing in from both sides.
Jello or death...jello or death... Garrett sighed. Jello, but only by a margin.
Garrett struggled through the gelatinous mass and pulled himself out of the pool as the guards regrouped.
He remembered seeing a gated service entrance when he had been snooping around earlier, but he was leaving a jello trail behind him and was sure to be followed. The more he tried to shake himself off, the more the stuff stuck to his clothes.
There’s nothing for it…
When the guards finally lost the trail, they didn’t find the spool, but laying in the north hall were five water arrow crystals, a short sword, a blackjack, a flashbomb, and a pile of black clothes complete with boots, boxers, and cloak, sitting in a slowly congealing pool of orange slime.
