When we first moved into this house we had a lot of telemarketers calling us all hours of the day, nonstop. This was well before the Do Not Call list. They were aggressive, rude, and honestly downright threatening at times. And if you hung up, they'd call back. Every time my dialup would disconnect (which it often seemed to do when the upstairs neighbors were having loud fake sex, but that's a separate story) the phone would ring, and ring, and ring, and I'd have to wait for a chance for it to stop ringing and for assholes to stop leaving messages before I could try reconnecting.

We had managed to get most of them to stop calling, either because they gave up, or because we would answer and blow air horns into the telephone. But one guy was persistent, and he would not give up until he'd sold us some shitty magazine. Airhorns were ineffective. Telling him 'fuck off' didn't work. Having the phone company block his number didn't work- apparently his telemarketing firm had several numbers.

So I devised a plan.

I got hold of a long loop of a dog barking and I put that on, as loud I could without it sounding fuzzy. And I waited.

I didn't have to wait long. Sure enough, he called. I put the barking dog loop on, answered the phone, and he started giving me his schpiel. I let him go on for a few minutes, before saying "hold on- SHUT UP! SHUT THAT DAMN DOG UP! Sorry, go ahead." Repeat every minute or so until the fourth time when I said "hold on- SHUT THE FUCK UP! BILLY RAAAAY! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING DOG UP!" I put the phone down on the kitchen counter, walked into the other room, turned off the speakers, grabbed my old Louisville slugger, and started pounding it against the floor, screaming profanities loud enough for the phone to hear me in the next room. "SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR DAMN DOG UP? NOW YOU GOTTA BUY A NEW ONE!" Walk back into the kitchen, pick up the phone- "Sorry about that, I'm back. Hello? Hello?"

The guy'd hung up.

He never called back.