CalmBeforeTheStorm on 3/11/2010 at 03:55
Started a short story, inspired by THIEF (impossible not to be). I am an aspiring filmmaker/writer (won a film competition back in '06, and have a short film now circluating film festivals, and have had one short story published in a college literary/arts book). I also plan still to do a THIEF fan short film, which I posted a thread about a couple years back (trying to get the THIEF community involved as well as their opinions and ideas).. but it fell through somewhat, but is still planned to be accomplished, and hopefully soon.
Anyway, here is a very short part one.. would love to hear your thoughts and feedback. THIEF has a definite mood, pace, and personality to its world and lead character.. and I think before any great story in fiction form can be accomplished, that 'voice' needs to be discovered, which was done so flawlessly in the games.
Here is my first attempt... The premise is Garrett seeks out a new device to keep him in the shadows...
I love THIEF, ttlg, and the fans!
Enjoy...
Given New Light (part I)
The diluted moon grinned crookedly from the window, murky and fogged from the cheap, weathered glass panes. Garrett caught it peeking in from his mechanical eye’s periphery. It was time for a night’s work. The thought of ‘nothing fancy’ came out gruffly in a sigh, vocalizing softly with no specific word, but a ‘sack full’ none-the-less. It was sandy and cool.
Garrett was stripped to the waist. Dissipating sweat glistened on his chiseled, wiry frame, caught by candlelight strategically placed around his cramped apartment. No electricity lamps, too noisy he concluded, and a reminder of bad prospects. A source of light he couldn’t control, a source of change he couldn’t stop. By his taste, too much of The City was infected with them already: with their harsh, color-leeching glow, unmoving shadows, incessant buzz, swarming insects, and their mocking imperviousness to water arrows. A growing thorn for Garrett, whose talents reveled in the shadows, in invisibility. But his distaste wasn’t allowed to run too deep, scoffing. If it wasn’t for industrialized, electrical, and other technologies and science in The City, he’d be deprived of half his tools and devices, and some nice, advantageous perks; his mechanical eye for one, which would be apart of him till the grave, most likely some lofty rooftop. Unless it got snatched up, which he’d kill for swiftly.
He donned his clothing. Nothing short of a ritual: no wasted or clumsy steps, body movements true and sharp. Each custom article placed perfectly on his person from years of muscle memory. He could do it in the dark, and preferred it. Too much light brought trust, brought weakness. Too much reliance on sight dulled the other senses of equal importance, even with such a simple task. Something he’d done his share of, and had the marks to prove it.
His custom adornments for a usual excursion, included:
• A thin, black, body-tight, breathing tunic.
• A black, snug, sleeveless, jerkin-vest.
• Black, pliable yet stiff, un-shined leather bracers; the left designed to take the bites of the arrow shafts.
• Black, fingerless gloves; un-shined, steel studs at the knuckles.
• Black, duel-lined linen, leg-tight pants; leather padded at the knees; un-shined, leather codpiece (already adorned).
• Black, un-shined leather, light boots (already adorned).
• His black cloak with special ties (always saved for last).
He silent stepped to his apartment’s only table. An assortment of devices, tools, weapons, papers, maps, and other clever objects sprawled in cacophony upon the old wood. Yet, with closer observation, were quite organized. The table revealed many facets and slights into Garrett’s ways.
He donned his gear with the same calm precision as his clothing.
His gear for a usual excursion, included:
• Black, un-shined leather quiver; custom, protective, clamping, arrow shaft slots (outside ring fitted with broad-head arrows; next inside ring fitted with long bodkins and short bodkins for piercing mail and armor plate; inner most ring fitted with elemental arrows; predominantly water, with a few of the others: gas, moss, and fire, with two rope arrows).
• Two flash-bombs
• Two flares
• Blackjack
• Dagger
• Custom short sword for parrying; not cumbersome for stealth; custom blade forged from mixed metal; darkened, un-shined, and non-reflective.
• Lock picks
• Papyrus
• Compass
• Tightly sealed container of coin. (pocket change).
He pulled his mechanical eye out carefully, placing it on a folded cloth upon a shoulder-high shelf. He faced the pupil towards himself and took a slight step backwards. Then pulled the cowl of his cloak over his head, sheathing his face in darkness. Before him was not a man, but the shadow of a man. Except to him, the shadow was the man, and the man underneath the shadow. He gave a crooked smile, unseen, and replaced the eye.
One by one, he snuffed the candles about the room. Amidst the swirling smoke in the moonbeam’s light, Garrett, the shadow, the thief, exited by the window without a sound. Invisible; a trick of the eye.
jtr7 on 3/11/2010 at 10:07
Welcome back!
We've been wondering what happened. Your old thread gets a mention most of the time someone brings up a community Thief film or someone brings up or shares a script.:)
It's so hard to capture the voice without it quickly becoming something very personal and subjective, especially extrapolating on Garrett, his motives, his opinions of things beyond the given contexts.
CalmBeforeTheStorm on 3/11/2010 at 21:27
thanks for the welcome back! :) Yes what you say is absolutely true. Spot on! I started this little fiction piece to see naturally where (my own writer's perception would take it, then look at it objectively and see if it remotely falls into anything remotely in character and voice to THEIF... because what you say is absolutely right about it becoming personal and subjective... it gets lost fast... (then to move it in the right direction, from watching, playing, reading, researching anything THIEF, to get on course and continue would be the next step)
but it's something to explore on the side as a good exercise and experiment as a writer and a fan of THIEF...
as for the short film.. life got really busy (as we all say) but we have been working towards it... we have the clothing, props, weapons, and locations figured out... during a move, the script file was mis-placed... essentially it was a "paying the rent" premise... with the idea of it being a visual short that would seek to portray proper homage to THIEF, with a very thin, non-opinionated story...
would love to hear others opinions on what that 'voice' is for the characterization of THIEF: the world, it's style of storytelling, and it's character, to disect 'that'... to aid in the approach to fictionalizing THIEF and/or in film.
also comments on the little piece that i am currently writing would be great.. basically, from an artists perspective.. THIEF is amazing and inspirational and layered with such a vision.. i can't help myself to want to do something with it... but do it properly... so a deep discussion on this would be awesome!!!! to hear others ideas and knowledge on how to do it right from those who respect and love the material would be the greatest pleasure and honor to hear.
jtr7 on 3/11/2010 at 21:55
If I can, I'll comment, but I'm limited to scanning and have poor retention these days, with random moments where my brain kicks in, so hopefully others will be able to give you what you need. I think it helps the reader if they don't see any fan-fic as trying to be definitive, otherwise they get defensive, heh heh.
Are you still partnering with the same individual as before, and/or have you brought on new collaborators?
Also, something that's made past film attempts unpalatable has been poor props, locations, set dressing, but you guys were in a good ballpark with the visuals you had.
CalmBeforeTheStorm on 3/11/2010 at 22:13
basically its the same group working on the project...
it's alright, I appreciate anything you can give, even if its a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down... hehe
yes! props, locations, and costumes are huge in a period setting! has to be done right, there isn't really a middle ground for it. It is our absolute goal above all to have it look legit...
Sulphur on 3/11/2010 at 22:49
You've got nice descriptive abilities and know how to effectively generate atmosphere. In my opinion, though - and all of it's just an opinion really - you tend to overuse those descriptive abilities. Must we know about Garrett's chiselled yet wiry frame? Must we know all of his thoughts in such detail? Or can we garner what kind of person he's like from the context of his actions?
Show, don't tell. It's an over-used maxim, but still true. Try and avoid redundant phrases, unless you must have the effect of emphasis - "Nothing short of a ritual: no wasted or clumsy steps, body movements true and sharp. Each custom article placed perfectly on his person from years of muscle memory."
Personally, I think that'd read much better if stopped at 'no wasted or clumsy steps'. The rest is understood or can be brought out through context later on.
Another example - "Before him was not a man, but the shadow of a man. Except to him, the shadow was the man, and the man underneath the shadow. He gave a crooked smile, unseen, and replaced the eye."
'And the man underneath the shadow' doesn't make sense to me. And when Garrett smiles, it's understood that it's unseen here because he's alone.
Too much description undermines the point of what you're trying to do - Garrett's a methodical badass, so show this side of him in action instead of verging on writing a paean to his abilities while he's dressing and taking his gear. The entire vignette, really, just describes Garrett instead of setting the scene.
And those two bulleted lists don't just border on overkill, they tumble the entire thing over to obsessive fascination on the character on your part. Plus long lists like those pull the reader out of the narrative - personally, I just skimmed them. Equipment, attire, these can be attended to do in shorter, crisper detail. In general, try and edit out things that are mostly superfluous.
Also, it's dual-lined, not duel-lined. ;)
CalmBeforeTheStorm on 3/11/2010 at 23:03
Quote Posted by Sulphur
You've got nice descriptive abilities and know how to effectively generate atmosphere. In my opinion, though - and all of it's just an opinion really - you tend to overuse those descriptive abilities. Must we know about Garrett's chiselled yet wiry frame? Must we know all of his thoughts in such detail? Or can we garner what kind of person he's like from the context of his actions?
Show, don't tell. It's an over-used maxim, but still true. Try and avoid redundant phrases, unless you must have the effect of emphasis - "Nothing short of a ritual: no wasted or clumsy steps, body movements true and sharp. Each custom article placed perfectly on his person from years of muscle memory."
Personally, I think that'd read much better if stopped at 'no wasted or clumsy steps'. The rest is understood or can be brought out through context later on.
Another example - "Before him was not a man, but the shadow of a man. Except to him, the shadow was the man, and the man underneath the shadow. He gave a crooked smile, unseen, and replaced the eye."
'And the man underneath the shadow' doesn't make sense to me. And when Garrett smiles, it's understood that it's unseen here because he's alone.
Too much description undermines the point of what you're trying to do - Garrett's a methodical badass, so show this side of him in action instead of verging on writing a paean to his abilities while he's dressing and taking his gear. The entire vignette, really, just describes Garrett instead of setting the scene.
And those two bulleted lists don't just border on overkill, they tumble the entire thing over to obsessive fascination on the character on your part. Plus long lists like those pull the reader out of the narrative - personally, I just skimmed them. Equipment, attire, these can be attended to do in shorter, crisper detail. In general, try and edit out things that are mostly superfluous.
Also, it's dual-lined, not duel-lined. ;)
Wow.. well said. it was a first draft, and your comments alone will aid greatly in its next run. I agree greatly with what you've said.. show don't tell... that's the key... yeah I was testing waters with the lists, it's purpose was to show method, percision, and realism... but you have a strong point. Your correct with being redundant. And yes I saw my slip with the "duel" hehe. I appreciate your criticism.. will take the next stab at it. Oh, and some of the telling in the beginning is the premise for the story, but in 99% of all cases, showing is the key...
Xorak on 3/11/2010 at 23:55
I'll take a stab at this.
Although I like the tone you’re going for, the style, to me, is too literary and ends up detracting from telling the story. There is nothing ‘bad’ in what you’ve written, but it doesn’t seem as effective as it could be, and just because something is well-written doesn’t mean it needs to be in the story itself. In the first sentence alone there are six adverbs/adjectives (diluted, crookedly, murky, fogged, cheap, weathered). Although this style gives an ominous tone (like a Gothic novel), it creates a melodramatic effect that distances the reader from the events, and tries to impress the reader with the words and atmosphere rather than the actual story and characterization itself.
There are some good phrases and images in there. The electric lights that are “a source of light he couldn’t control, a source of change he couldn’t stop,” and the idea that he knows his grave might be on “some lofty rooftop”. Or his opinion that “too much reliance on sight dulled the other senses of equal importance.” To me, these types of images reveal the character while also suggesting the tone of the story. Reversely a line like “but his distaste wasn’t allowed to run too deep, scoffing,” doesn’t really do anything but make the reader feel that the writer is so much more intelligent and thus only a select few can comprehend what it means. Maybe it’s just the addition of ‘scoffing’ at the end that throws me off.
There is also too much Batman imagery: the lone rogue going through each piece of perfectly-built equipment fashioned and worn from years of use -- each piece of equipment is so flawlessly capable of saving his life when the time comes. To me, it’d be more interesting if he doesn’t have the absolute best of everything. This makes him less like a superhero, and allows you to add more realism and characterization. Then he’s not a superhero but just a person who has taken up this trade and maybe the reader is intrigued to know why.
There’s something to be said for leaving some detail for the reader’s imagination to fill in as necessary, thus making it real in each reader’s mind. I mean, unless the reader needs to know that he is wearing an ‘un-shined, leather codpiece’ it doesn’t really have to be added to the story. Let the reader fill in some of the details themselves. I know its fan fiction, and the reader’s are already in-the-know, but I always cringe when I see a reference like ‘water arrow’ or ‘flashbomb’, as if they’re just routine things, and don’t need further explanations. In my opinion, I’d like to see the writer take a unique view of what a water arrow is and what it does, rather than just calling it a ‘water arrow’. The equipment can be mentioned later (as in, when and if it’s important to the story). In a final draft, I think this passage can be reduced to about 25% of the current length.
CalmBeforeTheStorm on 4/11/2010 at 02:00
Quote Posted by Xorak
I'll take a stab at this.
Although I like the tone you’re going for, the style, to me, is too literary and ends up detracting from telling the story. There is nothing ‘bad’ in what you’ve written, but it doesn’t seem as effective as it could be, and just because something is well-written doesn’t mean it needs to be in the story itself. In the first sentence alone there are six adverbs/adjectives (diluted, crookedly, murky, fogged, cheap, weathered). Although this style gives an ominous tone (like a Gothic novel), it creates a melodramatic effect that distances the reader from the events, and tries to impress the reader with the words and atmosphere rather than the actual story and characterization itself.
There are some good phrases and images in there. The electric lights that are “a source of light he couldn’t control, a source of change he couldn’t stop,” and the idea that he knows his grave might be on “some lofty rooftop”. Or his opinion that “too much reliance on sight dulled the other senses of equal importance.” To me, these types of images reveal the character while also suggesting the tone of the story. Reversely a line like “but his distaste wasn’t allowed to run too deep, scoffing,” doesn’t really do anything but make the reader feel that the writer is so much more intelligent and thus only a select few can comprehend what it means. Maybe it’s just the addition of ‘scoffing’ at the end that throws me off.
There is also too much Batman imagery: the lone rogue going through each piece of perfectly-built equipment fashioned and worn from years of use -- each piece of equipment is so flawlessly capable of saving his life when the time comes. To me, it’d be more interesting if he doesn’t have the absolute best of everything. This makes him less like a superhero, and allows you to add more realism and characterization. Then he’s not a superhero but just a person who has taken up this trade and maybe the reader is intrigued to know why.
There’s something to be said for leaving some detail for the reader’s imagination to fill in as necessary, thus making it real in each reader’s mind. I mean, unless the reader needs to know that he is wearing an ‘un-shined, leather codpiece’ it doesn’t really have to be added to the story. Let the reader fill in some of the details themselves. I know its fan fiction, and the reader’s are already in-the-know, but I always cringe when I see a reference like ‘water arrow’ or ‘flashbomb’, as if they’re just routine things, and don’t need further explanations. In my opinion, I’d like to see the writer take a unique view of what a water arrow is and what it does, rather than just calling it a ‘water arrow’. The equipment can be mentioned later (as in, when and if it’s important to the story). In a final draft, I think this passage can be reduced to about 25% of the current length.
Awesome! thank you... as I re-read it, I see all that you are saying... and it excites me. the hero thing needs to go, your right and the ideas you added with it.. wow, I am impressed. And the rest you said as well... thank you so much... perfect criticism... am I am not giving you bs... i mean it. I appreciate what you've said.
