CalmBeforeTheStorm on 4/11/2010 at 03:55
Here is a quick edit, nothing too thorough, from the original draft, but taking briefly into account on what feedback has said... a more in depth edit will come... but this needed to happen...
Given New Light (part I)
The diluted moon grinned crookedly from the window, murky through the cheap, glass panes. Garrett caught it peeking in from his mechanical eye’s periphery. It was time for a night’s work. The thought of ‘nothing fancy’ vocalized softly. No specific word, but a ‘sack full’ none-the-less. It was sandy and cool.
The candles were sparsely placed, revealing a cramped apartment. They burned low and dim like his tools and arrows. No electricity lamps, he concluded. A reminder of bad prospects: A source of light he couldn’t control, a source of change he couldn’t stop. The City was infected with them: with their harsh, leeching glow, unmoving shadows, incessant buzz, insect swarms, and their mocking imperviousness to water. Yet without The City’s spark of innovation, he’d be deprived of some tools and devices; his mechanical eye for one, which he’d take to his grave, most likely some lofty rooftop.
He grabbed his cloak that was draped over his only chair and donned it. Nothing too fancy, and black as pitch. He silent stepped to his only table. An assortment of clever objects and papers lay sprawled upon the old wood. Yet, with closer observation, were organized. A looking glass view into the facets and slights of Garrett. He secured some of the table’s assortment on his person. Most notably his quiver and short sword.
He pulled his mechanical eye out, placing it on a folded cloth upon a shoulder-high shelf. He faced the pupil towards himself and took a step backwards. Then pulled his cowl up, sheathing himself in complete darkness. Before him was not a man, but the shadow of a man. He replaced the eye.
One by one, he snuffed the candles about the room. Too much light brought trust, brought weakness, he was reminded. He had the marks to prove it.
Amidst the swirling smoke in the moon’s light, Garrett, the shadow, exited by the window without a sound. Invisible; a trick of the eye.
Xorak on 4/11/2010 at 05:55
This is getting better, but I think having Garrett began his adventure sooner might be the way to go. Or at least give the implication of action, and go back to detail the start of his excursion if necessary. Sorry if I step overboard here with some suggestions, but these are just examples meant to spark your imagination or to look at your story in a new way. In my opinion, a good opening is with the lines: "One by one, he snuffed the candles about the room. Too much light brought trust, brought weakness, he was reminded. He had the marks to prove it." Then going into something like: "The diluted moon grinned crookedly from the window, murky through the cheap, glass panes. It was time for a night’s work." (Though the phrasing still needs a bit of work this way). Then give another paragraph of short action/description and Garrett is on his way.
I like the idea that he has all these strange and thiefy tools sitting upon his table, and he has to decide what to bring and what to leave (because he can't bring everything). I think it can be pulled off, where you ignite the reader's curiousity about these various strange and secret items without going overboard or without just listing them as you did previously. Even give the old items new functions, descriptions or uses. For instance, perhaps he has stuffed a scouting orb into a child's wind-up mouse and he carries this with him instead of just the standard scouting orb.
When he exits his apartment and encounters the first electric lamp, that might be a better time for saying how much he detests them and prefers the candle whose warmth he can feel etc. That kind of observation I think is better placed a little later after the action has started. If you're going to use the technique of the mechanical eye look back at him, that could be a good opportunity to describe his general description through what the eye sees. He's looking at the eye that is looking back and revealing him. However, that shot might work good in a movie but it might be impossible to pull off in words.
Sulphur on 4/11/2010 at 20:30
I like the edit, CBTS. Definitely on the right track.
I have nothing much to add to Xorak's advice, he's leading you towards the right path. A little more proofreading for your next draft would be good. There are a couple of disconnected sentences you might want to fix. For example:
'An assortment of clever objects and papers lay sprawled upon the old wood. Yet, with closer observation, were organized. A looking glass view into the facets and slights of Garrett. He secured some of the table's assortment on his person. Most notably his quiver and short sword.'
The second sentence needs to be joined to the first, the full stop's in the way of the idea there; similarly with the last two sentences - instead of a full stop after 'person', a comma would be better. It reads rather choppily otherwise, and the rhythm sounds off.
You also don't need 'a looking glass into the facets and slights of Garrett' because most discerning readers would understand that from the fact that you've described how he's neatly arranged all his tools to begin with. You've already shown that, so you don't need to re-emphasise it by saying (telling) it again.
CalmBeforeTheStorm on 4/11/2010 at 20:43
I really really appreciate and like what you guys have to say! very solid advice. Truthfully, I agree with everything mentioned... Best readers and editors I've had on any of my work! HAHA! I see where you, both: Xorax and Sulphur, are coming from.. and thank you for your input. Seriously, this is great, thank you for such detail and depth...
