fett on 24/11/2004 at 20:18
So since you guys bumped the other two parodies I figured I give TDS a go. This probably sucks 'cause I threw it together in about 30 minutes. If it's relatively acceptable and not old hat by now, I'll try to spend more time on the rest of it. Here goes nothing:
Thief: Deadly Simplicities
Chapter 1
The Blue Oyster Bar - Briefing
I have a simple job planned for this evening...follow these glowing footprints, learn to walk quietly over loud surfaces, and still most likely get caught stealing another fat nobleman's man-purse.
Of course, nothing is ever simple. Following glowing footprints used to be the easiest part of the job, but what with the local stores discontinuing my favorite brand of oil, this mechanical eye has turned out to be more trouble than it's worth. The warranty ran out a few months ago, and after that fiasco at Soulforge, I was too broke to extend it. It's begun making some infernal noise that's proven to wake the dead (literally), and I can see little more than brown fuzz when I try to use the zoom plug-in I paid big bucks for. Then again, a little rust in the eye never killed anyone...
Back to business. A fence of mine, Illiterate Percy, says Lord Julian showed up at the Blue Oyster Bar earlier this evening. No surprise given his recent refusals to answer to anything but ‘Lord Julie’. He's carrying a velvet man-purse that he never lets out of his sight. I'll try to get inside by the usual methods. If that doesn't work, I can try sneaking in. Maybe these glowing footprints will help.
The Blue Oyster will have bouncers, though they're more likely to be looking for a bribe than a thief. Percy loaned me a map of the place, though it's little more than a big box with a few lines drawn here and there to represent the layout. I've got to get that man-purse. Rent is due, and the Sci-fi book club is about to turn me over to a credit agency. Again.
____________________________
Blue Oyster Bar (exterior) – 12:17 am
Crickets. Garrett had pulled off countless midnight infiltrations, but never before had the crickets drowned out the pounding of his heart. He was a professional, no question, but even the best admitted to a jolt of adrenaline just before the job went down. No time to lose. He bypassed the glowing footprints and proceeded toward the entrance.
"I.D. please?!"
The door man wasn't a big guy, just armed to the teeth - more of a deterrent than an actual threat. He had finally made it to the front of the cross-dressed crowd pushing the front door for admittance. The only thing between him and his prize the velvet rope blocking him from the entry.
Garrett fluidly whipped out one of his many fake cards and handed it over with a detached air. The trick, he had learned, was to pretend that you didn't care whether or not you got in.
"What's this supposed to be?" the guard's threatening tone more than compensated for his lack of stature.
"My I.D."
"Says here you're a member of the Champions Of Narcissistic & Sanctimonious Official Leadership Elite club,” he stabbed at each word with a dirty fingernail,” but it ain't no I.D. If you’re a narrsic...narasit...one of those vampire types, we don’t want your kind here.”
"Uh no, not a vampire. Not me," said Garrett fumbling around for his I.D. Great, Left it in the other cloak...
“Are you on the list?”
He was struck by an idea, “Sure!”
“Name?”
Who would be on the list at a club like this? Ramirez? Bafford? No. He went for the sure thing.
“Rothschild!” he exclaimed a little too much like a man who had been struck by an idea.
“Gary?” the guard raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down.
Why didn’t I pay closer attention to that conversation? Garrett cursed himself.
“Er…yes?”
“NO!” the guard shouted triumphantly, “Gary Rothschild is NOT on the list, and the only other Rothschild who is, is already inside.”
Figures.
“You trying to scam me vampire boy?” the guard asked taking a step toward him.
“Uh…no sir, I uh…” Garrett’s mind raced. The crowd felt like it was closing in.
Why did it always come down to a flashbomb?
____________________________________
Blue Oyster Bar (interior) 12:37 am
The glowing footprints had led (with a few startling and inexplicable stops along the way) to a dead end alley running up the North side of the bar. He slipped through a small delivery door at the back and made his way upstairs. This job was starting out creepy, what with doors closing behind him, and water crystals materializing out of thin air. Nevermind. The man-purse was the goal, and he always reached his goal.
He climbed a ladder to the first floor. He emerged into some type of lounge area that was empty except for a familiar figure behind a desk.
“Percy?”
The famously illiterate fence jumped and turned to face Garrett.
“Garrett! I figured you’d be here tonight. How’s it goin’?”
“What are you doing here? And where’s you eye patch?”
“Ah- the patch is just for the fencing job. Adds mystique. Y’know – just like your metal eye…say…is it supposed to be leaking like that…?”
“Nevermind! Why are you here?” Garrett demanded.
“I work here part time. That’s how I knew Lord Julie would be here tonight. I guard the delivery entrance a few nights a week.”
“You might have told me so I could have gotten in this way to begin with.”
“Now wait a minute Garrett, I can’t let you in this way,” the big man held his hands up, “I’ll lose my job.”
Percy was big and heavy and not easily hidden in a corner. Garrett threw his unconscious form back down the ladder to the basement. Idiot.
Several minutes later when Percy’s body had stopped bouncing around, Garrett slipped inside the bar proper.
Badly orchestrated techno music lashed out at him when he opened the door and disappeared into the crowd of garishly dressed, androgynous dancers. A Transvestite troupe from nearby Transvestia strutted the stage to a familiar sounding tune…I think they used to play this one at the Overlord’s Fancy back in the day…
Garrett took in the room and found Lord Julie/Julian’s usual table empty amidst the feather boas and metro-hairstyles. He wondered where Metro was and if there was anything worth stealing. Those guys sure wore expensive jewelry. He recognized a few of them from his Champions Of Narcissistic & Sanctimonious Official Leadership Elite club meetings. Eventually, Garrett spotted Julie/an at the bar, dressed to the nine’s and wearing more makeup than the Lady Van Vernon on her way to the docks.
Don't be conspicuous. He pulled his hood and cloak tighter around him and started to dance. Losing himself in the beat, he grooved his was over toward Julian’s stool at the bar. The nobleman sat clutching a sweaty Mimosa glass that sat on the bar near his velvet purse. He wasn’t paying it any attention because he was busy ranting at a dumpy guy that looked suspiciously like…
“Percy! WHAT THE HELL!?”
Julie/an and Percy looked up from their drinks.
“I just left you passed out in the basement!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Percy. “By the way my Lord, this is Garrett, a business associate of mine. Garrett - Lord Julian…er Julie, heir to the Rutherford fortune.”
“Or I was,” said Julian wiping the lipstick smudge from his glass, “Until that scheming cousin of mine Lord Ember rigged a Pictionary game that lost me the Bloodkidney Offal.”
“The what?” Garrett asked, as Julian’s velvet bag vanished into the depths of his cloak.
“The Bloodkidney Offal. I used to keep it in my velvet bag, but Ember won it in a Pictionary bet. Now all that’s left is the smell.” Julian looked sadly at his man-purse which had reappeared on the bar with surprising speed. “It’s a family heirloom dating back to the Precursors. Whoever holds the Bloodkidney Offal holds all power within the Rutherford family. I must regain that Offal!” He slammed his well manicured hand down on the bar.
“My Lord, I can help you get the Offal.”
“Bah! What do you know? You’re only a cook that probably has knowledge of some secret entrance. An inside scoop as it were. Not only is it too coincidental, the information would be useless to an a nobleman like myself. Only a thief would care about such information.”
“A cook? At the Rutherford Manor!?” yelled Garrett, attracting the attention of a few bouncers. His voice lowered to a menacing snarl, “why do you have me sneaking around a dance club stealing man-purses with…god knows what in them...” he cast a sidelong glance at Julian’s purse, “…instead of getting me into a place like the Rutherford Manor?”
“Actually my Lord, I do know of an entrance from the courtyard. All you have to do is put out the fire in the Goathead sconce and I’ll open it. Then you could sneak in and grab the Offal.”
“I imagine they have lots of swag in a place like that. Silver and medallions and whatnot…” Garrett said mainly to himself.
“Ah, but I am no thief,” lamented Julian into his Mimosa, “I will have to get inside, then challenge Ember to a game of Twister. It’ll be five men against twenty, but Ember could never beat me at Twister. I’m rather bendy.” He winked at the bartender, “I imagine some of Ember’s servant boys are quite good at Twister…” his mind seemed to drift for a moment, “…yes, quite good…”
“A secret entrance would make it all the easier. No doormen or I.D. checks…” Garrett winced as a rancid smell from the bag grabbed his nose hairs and starting swinging.
“My Lord, the risk is too great. The better way would be to steal the Bloodkidney Offal and settle this family squabble once and for all,” said Percy, “I can’t bear the thought of another Christmas with the cousins refusing to draw names for gifts.”
“Yes. If only I were stealthy enough to pull off such a heist. Even Lady Elizabeth is so busy sucking up to Ember, she won’t notice the Offal missing for a while. Unfortunately, these high heels make it quite difficult to sneak around,” Julian fretted in the direction of his shoes, “But they are rather comfortable to have such small straps…”
“Stealth huh? I’m quite stealthy if I do say so myself. Got in here right under the nose of the delivery entrance guard…”
“I’ll keep my ears open for a good thief my Lord.”
“I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!” The bouncers were now talking in a group with the doorman and nodding in his direction.
“Please do Percy. In the meantime, I’ll sharpen up on my Twister skills. The Bloodkidney Offal will be mine.”
They were coming his direction now, with very determined looks on their faces. Garrett fled as casually and dance-like as possible.
The bad music pounded on as they eventually cornered him in a storeroom leading back to the alley.
Why did it always come down to a flashbomb?
Larcener on 24/11/2004 at 20:54
Oh my good god...that is friggin' hilarious!!! Thanks for the laughs dude.
Bronze Griffin on 24/11/2004 at 21:32
I agree. I found that so wonderfully amusing! I'm still laughing!
Kindo on 24/11/2004 at 21:34
One of the best and well-written parodies I've ever read. Thank you! :thumb:
I would strongly advice you to keep writing on this one.
jay pettitt on 24/11/2004 at 23:28
:thumb:
Yos on 25/11/2004 at 00:00
Woah, dizzying. But it is quite humourous with all the pokes at the poor designs in the game. :joke:
sparhawk on 25/11/2004 at 00:22
Hilarious. :) Keep on posting such stuff. :thumb:
fett on 25/11/2004 at 01:57
Chapter 2
End of the Family Game Nights– Briefing
I arrived at the Rutherford Mansion like awakening from a dream. I really don’t remember how I got here, it just happened suddenly. I also have also inexplicably acquired a medallion belonging to the Rutherford family somewhere in transit, and have a strong feeling that there’s more to this Bloodkidney Offal than meets the eye. If it’s the key to the family power, it must also be the key to the family wealth. Or something like that.
Percy said I could get inside by dousing the fire beneath the Goathead sconce, thereby signaling the cook to open the delivery door. Sounds like a plan, but since the cook will be expecting to see one of Julian’s men, I’ll use this handy open window to the left of the front door. I obviously have to beware of the many traps and crack security that lies beyond that open window. Except for that, this place is sealed up tighter than the Alarus extension. Not that the Alarus extension is all that tight, if you angle yourself just right and jump at the exact moment…
The Rutherford Mansion
Castle Exterior – 1:41am
“Quiet tonight.”
“It’s the rain earlier. Everyone’s gone in. It’s black as pitch out here.”
A servant and a guard were shooting the breeze out front. Garrett watched from behind a wagon, waiting to make his move.
“They’ve doubled the watch,” the guard seemed nervous.
“This castle’s as old as Southtown. See the way the stone is? Could hold off an army. Or at least a very aggressive pair of Jehovah’s witnesses.”
“Too bad they didn’t close that window by the tower.”
“Don’t worry. It’s an old part of town. The streets are all different here. Not like in Awedude and Stoner’s Market.”
“Why are you suddenly naming different parts of the City that have nothing to do with our conversation?”
“In case you encounter them some time later. You’ll think back to this conversation and remember me mentioning them. It’ll be neat.”
“Oh.”
Awkward silence.
“I was almost in the City Watch y’know. You have to know the different parts of the City for when you’re chasing criminals through the streets. Even though you can’t follow them into different districts, it’s important to know where they’ve gone so you can wait for them to come back.”
“Huh? Why can’t you follow them?”
“I dunno. You just can’t.”
“But why? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“That’s just the WAY IT IS, OK!?”
“Ok, ok… no need to get upset about it.”
“Yes, that’s what we told them.”
“Who?”
“Nevermind.”
More awkward silence. Garrett wondered if they were going to do this all night.
“So I’ve seen a lot of stuff. Almost being in the City watch and all…” the servant began again.
“Really…?”
“Yeah. Saw a rat once, big as a burrick.”
“What’s a burrick?”
“Y’know – one of those big green lizard things that used to lurk in the sewers.”
“Maybe it actually was a burrick.”
“Nah – couldn’t have been.”
“Why not?”
“It just couldn’t OK?”
“Ok, ok…geez,” the guard rolled his eyes and held the torch up over his head. Garrett shied away from the light as it passed over the wagon concealing his form.
“I also saw a man running through the streets once, without his pants…”
“C’mon! Who’d take somebody’s pants?”
“Could be…nah, I don’t want to say it. Nobody knows the whole City. How old it is, how many times it’s gone through massive governmental road reconstruction. Not the Republicans, nobody.”
With this declaration, the servant who was once almost part of the city watch, turned and walked through the front door.
Finally, Garrett thought, preparing himself for a quick dash to the open window.
“Lord Julian was pretty angry. D’ja see his face when he walked out?”
What now?
“I wasn’t there.”
Another bored castle guard, come to shoot the breeze.
“Julian’s the more dashing of the two men.”
“Don’t speak of it, you’re sworn to Lord Ember!”
“But I’m keen on his brother, Lord Julia!.”
“I thought they were cousins. And who’s Julia?”
“I didn’t say Julia.”
“Did so.”
“Did not!”
“Either way, they’ll settle it. You’ll see. A game of charades, or a weenie roast… or a superbowl party! Whatever the noble folk have.”
“What’d they quarrel over anyway?”
“A Pictionary game or something.”
“I like a good bear baiting myself. Matter of fact, I’m going to the bear pits tomorrow…wanna come with?”
I don’t have time for this…
Garrett high-tailed it to the open window and found a note on the desk inside.
[indent] Dear cousin whose name I have quickly forgotten,
If you’d like to get the Bloodkidney Offal, you’ll have to throw the security switch in Lord Ember’s chambers.
Sincerely,
Your cousin
p.s. Ember also has a medallion that’s worth a lot of money.[/indent]
Odd note thought Garrett. Good job I came in through this window or I’d have never gotten into that vault. Unlikely there’s more information about it laying around for any common thief to randomly stumble upon. He grabbed what looked to be a strawberry daiquiri from the desk. Hmmm….tastes more like Raspberry. He downed it in a few gulps and breezed through the next room nabbing coins and trinkets that lay around. I knew this would be a gold mine…
He came to a locked door and grabbed his trusty set of lockpicks, inserted the flat-toothed one into the hole and waited.
Nothing happened.
Ah…a round-toothed one this time…
Still nothing.
What the…?
He looked around the room for a key to open the door, but found nothing.
Back to the lock, he inserted the flat and round pick together. Nothing happened, but when he moved them around, the lock made noises. Having no concept of the inner workings of a lock, he continued to shake, twist, rattle, and push on the lock until the door finally popped open.
Losing my touch…
He made his way through an art gallery to a long hall which had to lead to the inner courts of the castle. He ran up the hall when everything suddenly began turning blue. Must be the daiquiri he thought, either that, or the Viagra…. He became disoriented and tried to focus himself by recounting in painful detail the way each of his weapons and tools worked on various life forms. It was a great exercise for the mind, but did nothing to keep the blue mist from taking him.
The Rutherford Mansion
Castle Interior – 2:12am
Finally his vision cleared and he checked to make sure no one had mugged him.
That was the strangest thing…
He made his way around the courtyard, fumbled with his lockpicks again, and finally found himself in the kitchen, looking around for something to munch on - apples, deer legs, cheese…but found only a ham. No time to carve a ham on the job.
Footsteps.
He quickly closed one of the huge ovens to provide some shadow for himself in the corner. Someone was coming, he could hear them humming a familiar tune. The tune from the Blue Oyster Bar. A large figure appeared in the doorway.
“Percy?”
“Garrett? What gives? You shouldn’t be sneaking around in here!”
“What…wha…how did….” He gave up, “Forget it. Nice hat.”
“Thanks. Hey! While you’re here, there’s some really nice suede leather vests up in one of the guests rooms. Maybe you’d want to pinch them, being a thief and all?”
“Where am I going to off load suede leather vests Percy?”
“I hear there’s a fence in Blackbrook what deals in leather and other fine apparel.”
“Blackbrook? Where’s that?”
“Somewhere West I think. Or maybe North?”
“Percy, I need to get to Lord Ember’s chambers.”
“Yeah, doesn’t everybody? Julian was going on and on last night about…”
“Percy!”
The fence/guard/barfly/cook looked up at him, “Yeah Garrett?”
“Lord Ember?”
“Garrett, listen. I like you and all, but I’ve got a good job here. I don’t mind you stealing from the guests, but if you’ve got you’re eye on Lord Ember’s vests….”
Once all the ovens were closed in the kitchen, it wasn’t hard to hide Percy’s body.
The elevator to the second floor was incredibly loud, but the nearby guard didn’t notice anything until Garrett stepped onto the wooden walkway.
“What’s this then?” he started making his way toward Garrett.
A sudden flash from the shadows left the guard grabbing for his eyes as he stammered, “My eyes…can’t see a thing…wait…maybe…a little…yes…vision now beginning to clear…I’d say 72% recovered…getting better…I can’t believe I can’t see fully yet…hang on…here it comes…
Garrett smacked him with his blackjack, expecting the guard to drop like a rag doll when he suddenly drew his sword and lunged. He reminded himself to seek out a good wallop in the face next time he was having vision problems. Seemed to clear them right up.
Before the guard could do any damage, he threw another flashbomb. BANG!
“Ah…I’ve been blinded…more specifically, I can’t see anything with my eyes…oh, oh, it’s improving a bit…please check back at 10 for an hourly report on my vision…”
Garrett left him fumbling around on the walkway. If he thinks that’s weird, wait till he stumbles into the blue fog….
He slipped inside the nearest door to hear a woman’s voice.
“Lady Elizabeth is a proper lady. She attended Lady Pollocks school for young ladies. She’s once, twice, three times a lady. She can write in modern ebonics and hipster w3bsp33k that OMFG r0XX0rs lol.”
“Well I guess that’s something. Lord Ember can’t do any of that,” came the man’s voice. Probably another guard.
“Dude looks like a lady. His knowledge of the world is limited to the names of the members of Lynyrd Skynrd, and brands of chewing tobacco.”
“I don’t like the way she looks at me. Like I’ve been in the bathroom for too long.”
“Perhaps you should zip up your pants.”
“Oh. Right.”
There was a momentary pause. The two parted company. Garrett followed the guard up a long winding staircases, making loud elevator noises with his mouth to cover the sound of his footsteps. At the top of the stairs, he laid the guard out cold and took in the grand bedchamber which presumably belonged to Lady Elizabeth.
Her journal revealed her fear over future games of Twister suggested by Julian. The way Ember rubbed the insides of her elbows when going for a left foot red repulsed her. Then he noticed several canisters on the shelf next to her journal. He opened one and found what appeared to be a red grainy substance. He tasted it with a finger.
Cherry?
Another revealed a green, lime tasting power. Other canisters were filled with different colors of the sugary flavors. Garrett had hit the jackpot.
Lik-A-Stick!!!
He felt around for some of the white flavor sticks to dip into the canisters and was rewarded with a stash behind one of the books. He ate his fill, then packed the rest in an undisclosed location within his cloak where he also kept on average 15 flashbombs, 5 gas grenades, 15 healing potions, 5 oil bottles, various notes and books, a well-worn Tesla cassette, and 248 lbs. of loot and swag.
He recovered Elizabeth’s gilded helm from a crate at the end of the bed, a souvenir of her brief time spent as a stand-in for Eyown in Return of the King, as well as her jewelry from a predictable hiding place atop the bed canopy.
Now to find Ember’s room.
He descended the stairs and crossed to the other end of the hall. The door was locked. This must be it.
He could hear Ember pacing inside. The voice was faintly familiar.
Once inside, he hugged the wall and moved toward the bed, leaning for a better look at Lord Ember.
Balding head, pretentious robe, goatee…familiar voice…
It was Julian.
Was it possible? He looted the room quietly, taking time to throw the vault switch near the desk. He had expected something more inconspicuous than a torch holder, but perhaps Ember/Julian was in a bit of a rush to complete the safety mechanism, and had no time to come up with something more creative. Garrett would give him the benefit of the doubt and enjoy the switch and the vault anyway…
How could they be the same person? Garrett stole a look at his private journal lying open in the middle of the table with the lights shining down on it.
[indent] These many years I have kept them all at odds with one another. Taking sides between Ember and Julian. Too busy to notice that Ember ran away long ago to join the circus, leaving me to enjoy the family fortune. Were they not too busy trying to predict the winning side, they themselves would be after the Offal like dogs after…well, offal. In the meantime, I can continue using these fake eyebrows to play both ends against the middle.[/indent]
Ok thought Garrett, that makes no sense whatsoever, but I’m grabbing this medallion which happens to match the one that mysteriously appeared on my person when I materialized in the courtyard, and heading for the vault. Time to get a look at this Offal.
The vault was wide open but Garrett couldn’t get inside until he used one of the mysterious medallions to open the inner door. Maybe all that conversation between Percy and Julian at the Blue Oyster made more sense now. Well, no. Not really.
Either way, there lay the Bloodkidney Offal in all of it’s shrunken glory. But the real eye-catcher was the gold and silver mounting that encased it. That would fetch a pretty penny with the right fence. He nabbed it along with a few jewels and a key which opened absolutely nothing (for his collection), then headed for the outer courtyard.
The Offal is now mine, he thought, ”And based on the smell, it’s pretty old. I’d better get this thing to Illiterate Percy so he can split up the casing. If he’s still in the business that is…"
Yos on 25/11/2004 at 01:59
Wow, how much more will Percy be doing? This is nice stuff though. :laff:
