juveli on 27/11/2004 at 09:30
Ah, finally we have all three games parodized (yes, probably not a word :p ). Poor Garrett... Trying to survive with all these strange changes happening in the City! :D
Excellent work, Fett, keep it going! :thumb:
GlasWolf on 27/11/2004 at 11:45
Quote Posted by fett
“I also saw a man running through the streets once,
without his pants…”
“C’mon! Who’d take somebody’s pants?”
:thumb: Fantastic!
Pitch on 27/11/2004 at 11:51
:laff: :laff: :laff:
You're a comedy genius, this is just amazing!!
GREAT WORK!! :thumb:
Jake on 29/11/2004 at 01:48
On par with the Mental Age parodies! Keep them coming fett!
The Rogue Wolf on 29/11/2004 at 04:15
Quote Posted by fett
Garrett crossed through the shadows under the watchful eye of the cop and found the red scrawl on the wall saying ‘Illegal Establishments - This Way.' An arrow pointed down a narrow twisting passageway leading to Illegal Establishment Street - all the shops trafficked in stolen goods and supplies for breaking and entering. It was only a matter of years before the Watch figured out where he did buisiness.
:laff:
This slayed me. Beautiful work. More! More!
fett on 29/11/2004 at 17:59
Chapter 4
Stoner’s Market – 10:22pm
Well I made it past lady Elizabeth and her thugs, and now here I am in Stoner’s Market. This district is known for it’s great deals on weed and corrupt cops. Most of the stores are little more than thinly disguised head shops, but I do most of my shopping after everything’s locked up for the night, along with the hundreds of thieves whom I seldom if ever meet who are able to support the City’s ten to twelve specialty thief supply stores, which coincidently, seem to never be locked up for the night.
There’s the clock tower, one of the tallest buildings in the City and a good landmark day or night. Just thought it was worth thinking about in case I happen to accidentally destroy it one of these days… And finally, Stoner’s Market Plaza. More drug dealers, more people. No doubt the City Watch will be keeping an eye out for pickpockets like me. Especially since people carry their purses hanging off their back pockets. Being a thief is quite a bit easier than it seems in those games…
Time for me to find this Bertha character and get rid of this Offal once and for all. It’s starting to smell funny…
Speaking of thieves, he bumped into two of them outside the Republican Party Headquarters Building.
“You ready?”
“What? Right now?”
“Yeah – you got the map, right? What else are we waitin’ for?”
“I don’t know…a little time to prepare. You can’t just run around in there willy-nilly…”
“But that’s the beauty of it. The element of surprise.”
“Idiot! You can’t surprise the Republicans! They have spies everywhere! They’re watching our every move!”
Map to the Republican Party Headquarters huh? That might come in handy sometime…
Garrett nabbed the guy’s map and found his way to the Stoner’s Market Proper and using the cleverly disguised ‘Illegal Establishments – This Way>>>’ signs, he found his way to Bad Breath Bertha’s.
Something about these fence and thief supply shops left him paralyzed. Literally.
The red headed woman behind the counter said, “Well lookie lookie…you must be Garrett. Somehow I expected somebody who looks like you looked the last time I saw you. Well it doesn’t matter…I’m Bad Breath Bertha, glad to meet ‘cha…”
Is she talking like that on purpose? If only I could move enough to get my hands around her throat…
“Percy said to expect ya. Said you had an Offal for me.”
I wish I had a muzzle for you.
“I’m sure we can do business. I’ve got some of the best sausage packers in the City waiting to get their hands on that thing.”
Garrett heard a chiming noise somewhere behind his head…too many head wounds from those robot bombs last year…
“Hmmm…this is a damn fine Offal,” she said as if somehow Garrett had produced it plain as day. He had no idea what was going on. “It looks to have come from one of those old noblemen…am I right? Well, it’s none of my business how you came to have it.”
Her voice. It was agonizing. If only the Trickster had cut off one of my ears instead… if only I could cut off my ears right now…
“Oooo…” she said. Garrett double-checked to make sure she wasn’t getting a massage or an enema or something, “I almost forgot. A weird guy left this letter for ‘ya. Don’t worry, I didn’t read it. It ain’t my business is it?”
Out. For the love of all that is good and decent let me out.
He found himself standing outside reading the letter:
[indent]Dear Garrett,
Even though I have left you for dead, manipulated without a word of thanks, and invaded your privacy since you were but a small child, you must meet me at Tierce’s Plaza. Actually, it’s not really a Plaza. It’s more of a nook, but either way, meet me there. Except for the leering gargoyle that will later come to life and try to kill you, it will be very private.
Cryptically,
Jedi Master Artemis[/indent]
What the hell is a Jedi Master?
Garrett sighed. Artemis was part of a secret society that kept to themselves, holding the illusion that they somehow shaped events in the City, when they actually were only very good at making prophetic sounding comments about said events. They called themselves ‘the Keepers’ but his guess at what they actually kept was as good as anyone’s. As best as he could figure they kept him in danger, and themselves out of it. Convenient. He rolled his eyes and headed off to meet Artemis.
Tierce’s Plaza – 10:45pm
All 10 square feet of Tierce’s Plaza sprawled before Garrett as he searched the shadows for Artemis.
“I don’t like being followed. Secret meetings? Haven’t you Keepers outgrown this stuff yet?” asked Garrett.
“It is not our intention to be…cryptic,” said Artemis, waving his hand around in Garrett’s direction.
“What was your intention?”
Artemis waved his hand again, “It is not our intention to be …cryptic.”
“Huh? Why are you acting so weird? What’s with the hand motions?”
“Nothing my young padawan…just trying something.”
“What the hell’s a padawan? Is that some code word for lackey? Fall guy? Scapegoat?”
“Nevermind. If you want to read our super secret books, you need to get some stuff for us.”
“I don’t care about your secrets. I’ve already learned all the stupid handshakes. I’ve even got the little hat.”
“When did you get the little hat? Did you steal MY hat?” accused Artimus.
“No. Your hat looks ridiculous. Mine is cool. Why would I want to read your stupid secret books anyway?” asked Garrett.
“Because, they speak of your future, the future of the City.”
“How ‘bout the future of the lottery? That would be worth stealing for.”
“Garrett,” said Artimus, “the Keeper council has agreed to allow you access to the super secret books as they are read by our interpreter, Keeper Cattlecall.”
“That’s Keeper talk for ‘our asses are in a sling and we need you to save us.”
“In so many words yes,” Artimus conceded, “We are spinless and do not like to mingle with the common folk. It screws with the economy. So you can read the super secret books, but first you have to get this stuff for us.”
“What stuff? This isn’t going to be like that time I had to drive to Mexico to get your hemmoroid medications refilled is it?”
“No. These are two important artifacts that we want to study. One – the Builder’s Spittoon, belongs to the Republicans, the other – the Jackelope’s Paw, belongs to the Democrats. Not only will this provide us with key information about each group, it should sufficiently assure you of being hunted down and killed like a dog in the street by both of them. But don’t forget – you’ll get to read the super secret books once that’s all finished.”
“Riiiiight. Anything else?”
“I’d like a pint of Cherry Garcia and some TUMS if you wouldn’t mind......Garrett?......... Garrett…?.....GARRETT!
“Huhwhat? Sorry, I kinda drifted there for a second..."
Stoner’s Market Plaza – 11:03pm
Before he went after the artifacts, Garrett decided to actually rob a house just to stay in practice. He broke into the tavern next door to an apartment building filled with one room digs. He jumped from the tavern window onto the adjacent balcony as a conversation drifted from the open window.
“Garrett?”
“Yeah, that’s me.”
“Great. My name is Steve Erwin. Kroike! I thought you’d look different.”
“I do look different. Sometimes I have a hideous scar across my right eye. Sometimes the eye is green, sometimes the eye is blue. Sometimes there’s no scar at all. Just depends. I ain’t got time to worry about appearances. I’m in a real hurry most of the time. Rushed as it were. No time to double check for consistency. You know how it is,” said the would-be-Garrett.
Garrett felt around on his face in the dark. Whatdayaknow? There is a scar there. Funny I didn’t notice it when my eye ball was viciously ripped from it’s socket. Must’ve overlooked it in all the excitement and cosmetic surgery…
“Yeah, one time at the factory," said Steve, "we had this problem with gods in the machine. Real dandies. We were so rushed to get the product out, we didn’t have time to figure out if they were the same gods or not…”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Nothing, nothing. Just trying to strike up a conversation,” said Erwin.
“Anyways, you got a job for me or not?”
“Sure. The object in question is of little monetary value, but has great sentimental meaning to me,” he dropped his voice, “A certain set of SDK editing tools. You’ve probably heard of them. Large demand, no cooperation from the developer…”
“Yeah yeah, I heard of it. I’m Garrett ain’t I? What do you want with it?”
“It’s currently sitting on a shelf down at ISA, collecting dust, see?”
“It sounds plenty valuable to me…” said ‘Garrett.’
“Trust me, it’s not. Nobody could ever figure out how to use it. Me and some friends are willing to pay you far more than what you could get for it on the open market”
“Go on.”
“As a master thief, you should be able to get the rights. Break into ISA, grab the SDK. When you’ve stolen it, put it in the box outside of Eidos Headquarters. Nobody there will even notice it. Even if they get lots and lots of letters about it. Once I’ve picked it up, I’ll leave your money in the box.”
“Deal.”
The imposter Garrett left the apartment turned the corner, fell into the river, and was never heard from again.
Mugla on 29/11/2004 at 18:32
Getting a bit out of the hand, :erg:
but still legible.
Keep it up! :thumb:
Larcener on 29/11/2004 at 18:33
Absolutely frickin' priceless! Go fett go!
.
.
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:D
Bad Breath Dude on 29/11/2004 at 18:59
"Bad Breath Bertha"
Priceless! Keep up the good work!
Kindo on 29/11/2004 at 19:46
Marvelous! Keep 'em coming. :laff:
