Clockwork Mifune on 2/12/2004 at 01:00
Fantastic work again :laff: .
Yos on 2/12/2004 at 03:38
This is insane, but I'll keep reading! :p
Kindo on 2/12/2004 at 07:22
A very hilarious and prominent parody. Although, I miss some focus on jabs at the flaws of the actual game. They left me rolling around on the floor in the early chapters. None the less, I await the next part. :thumb:
Larcener on 5/12/2004 at 03:26
Bump!
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uh....fett??......what's the hold up??....I need my fix dude....
fett on 5/12/2004 at 03:36
Beta testing T2X. I AM ONLY ONE MAN!!!! ;) I should have another chapter up in a day or so! Thanks for missing it.
DarthMRN on 8/12/2004 at 09:09
While Im glad you are working on T2X, you said to make more of these in a day or so. Now its been four!!
Like the guy above here, I need my fix NOW!!!
Cry...sob... :(
Larcener on 9/12/2004 at 03:20
See fett?....Look what you've done! This is what happens when you have a brilliant mind and decide to share your brilliance with the world at large....now we're all Deadly Simplicity Freaks...... DSF's for short....and we've formed a union btw.........and we're organizing a march on your home for this weekend if we don't see some action soon......
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You have been warned. :)
fett on 9/12/2004 at 03:57
A new chapter coming tonight - I promise!
Clockwork Mifune on 9/12/2004 at 05:37
*Waves DSF Union banner menacingly.*
:D
fett on 9/12/2004 at 18:44
[disclaimer]Sorry so late guys. My excuses are as follows:
*T2X is going full bore
*My wife is having contractions! Baby's due in March, but everything's ok so long as they don't speed up. Been a little hectic at home
*A friend of mine was killed at a club last night and I've been on the phone quite a bit as a result
Not in a very 'comedic' place right now, but hopefully this will suffice and I'll be back up to speed in a day or so. Thanks for your patience and encouragement! I think this pales in comparsion to the other two parodies and you guys are just desperate![/disclaimer]
Chapter 6
Southtowne – 9:24pm
Illegal Establishment Street
Garrett’s cloak felt surprisingly light to be carrying $12,476 worth of loot around. He slipped past a moderator who was arresting some poor guy for using the same greeting twice.
“USE THE SEARCH FUNCTION DAMMIT!!!” the guard yelled as he dragged the guy the off to Pavementlock Prison.
He found the flashing red signs for Percy’s and The Well Equipped Thief. He stopped in his usual place on the corner where his landlord left him a purse and water crystal by arrangement everyday. Was that guy a chump or what?
Conversation drifted from the end of the street. From the shadows Garrett could see three gang-bangers standing over the body of some mis-fortunate.
“Sure, go ahead and tell it g, I ain’t heard it and neither has my boy here…”
“Ok ok! The other night I was at the Betty Ford Center…”
“Where?”
“The Betty Ford Center. It used to be a rehab before all those Hollywood bustas started hanging there.”
“Werd up g, let me tell my story yo…so anyway I’m up there, I ain’t messin’ with nobody, just mindin’ my own bidness. I go up to the front door and put my hand on the knob…”
“Then what?”
Thug 1 continued, “Then I heard a voice – it sounded just like Robert Downy Jr. saying, ‘No! Go back! You can’t help me!’”
“What did you do?”
“What any self respectin’ g would do yo. I ran for my life. I’m here tellin’ you this story yo. All I gotta say is, that ain’t my street. I look out for my own yo? Now…where we gonna dump this busta?”
They considered a moment, then picked up the body and stalked off down the street.
Garrett hit Percy’s place for some cash, bought the Well Equipped Thief completely out of stock, then headed for the well by his house. It was as little known shortcut to an underground bastion of Liberal Paganism, through which hundreds if not thousands of Democrats daily made their way into the streets of the City.
Just as he expected, a glowing signal peered out at him from the face of the well. It was Viagra colored much like the rest of his life had suddenly become, and shaped like a big nose, the symbol of the Keepers.
Yale University
Liberal Sanctuary – 10:14pm
The Keepers want me to steal an object from the Democrats…something called ‘The Jackelopes Paw’ – some type of mummified hand – charming. What should I expect from a bunch of environmentalist wackos who worship nature and diefy Bill Clinton? No one’s heard much about the Democrats lately, and though I nearly lost my life to them several times in apocalyptic events, I seem to have forgotten almost everything about them. Like that their new leaders name should be Larkspur, or that they talked funny but not that funny. Artemis gave me a tip about this well, and I’ve heard rumors in the neighborhood about lawsuits against tobacco companies and protests to save the spotted owl. This tunnel is going the right way – I can smell it. Stealing from the Democrats is never easy, or smart – they and their attorneys don’t have any love for me. When I’m done, the Keepers better come through on their part of the bargain. I don’t like risking my neck for nothing. Stuffed hunting trophies don’t pay the rent.
Garrett dropped catlike to the floor of the cave and wasn’t at all surprised to catch the beginning of a conversation between two would-be thieves. One was obviously the imposter Garrett, the other, an imposter Garrett imitator.
“What’d you stop for?” said the imposter Garrett.
“I’m trying to listen,” said the imposter Garrett imitator, “Ya never know, there could be something up ahead. Like within about 15 feet of us. That we’re unaware of.”
Maybe it’s one guy talking to himself.
“Like the silver nuggets you said was down here?”
“I said there was probably silver and gold all over the place here. But uh…I heard there might be something else…”
“Like what?”
“Like maybe some strange people. Like maybe they don’t want anybody knowing they’re all bunched up here together…plotting.”
“Ah taff it Bert! You don’t mean liberals! I knew I smelt something off. Let’s beat it!”
“Did you say ‘taff it’?”
“Yeah? So what? I can’t use profanity. This is an only an M-rated expedition you know.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Nevermind. Just when you want to say something really offensive, replace it with ‘taff’ or ‘taffer’ – no one will ever catch it.”
“Well there taffin' ain't no tiff taffin' way I'm gonna taff the tiff you tiffin' taffer..."
"Don't overdo it Bert."
“Fine. But I can tell we’re lost. So I’m open to suggestions."
“We oughta send one of us ahead to make sure it’s clear.”
“Why? That’s stupid! People to worry about are right here!”
“No you taffer – you catch them before they get here…”
This conversation had droned on long enough. Garrett launched a gas bomb at them and swept the room for loot. He found a fire crystal in the campfire with a convenient note attached explaining that the crystal would emit fire.
That will come in handy when I want to make a lot of noise and draw huge amounts of attention to myself.
Garrett found a few women milling around another campfire. They looked like hippies caught in a time warp. Except they wore bras.
“How be’s it done?” said the one.
“First, Viktoria – I mean Dyan priestess of wood be givers enchantments to set them mines my preeecciouussss.”
“Then…?”
“Then them manfools thinkers they be’s acting of their own free will. Does whatever we wants.”
“Hahahaha hahaha hahahaha hahahaha.”
“What be’s so funny?”
“We’s be talking like tards preccciouusss….”
Off they went on their separate ways when a piece of paper caught Garrett’s eye. He noted that a lot of things were catching his eye lately. Almost sparkling as it were.
I really need to get this eye maintenanced….
The note read:
[indent] There’s probably a map of this entire place laying around somewhere.[/indent]
Why would anyone need to know that?
He followed one of the hippie women deeper into the tunnels, wading into water when he heard a rumbling sound, accompanied by much grunting and labored breathing.
From his vantage point atop an open area, he saw a huge, hulking figure pacing back and forth. It looked not unlike Al Franken. Very scary.
Garrett figured if there was anywhere to get information about the location and security system surrounding the Jackelope’s paw, it would be in Dyan’s room. But how to get there? He kept moving ahead and eventually found himself there, almost as if by design. If fact, it seemed all routes led to her room. A lot of people must come here.
Lying on the bed in plain sight he saw a book shimmering.
That wasn't hard. Why didn't they just levitate a blue arrow over the top of it?
After dispatching Dyan with a lightning fast blow the back of the head over which he barely had control, he read the book:
[indent] Givers three gifts to get the Jackelopes paw. Givers first oil – for oil is precioussssss and should not be used for anything unless we say so. Givers next some moss – for Al Gore demanders that we respects thems trees. Hims created the internet after alls, so he must knowsers what hims talking about. Last, givers some bloods. Every civilians deaded in wars be YOUR FAULTS.[/indent]
This must be The Plan they’ve been talking so much about…thought Garrett I thought it had to do with fixing the corruption in the City. It was about the Jackelopes Paw all along. No wonder they didn’t want to tell anyone what it was…
He slipped into an open chamber across the hall where several flaming liberals were having a discussion.
“No no! First you defame their character, then you attack their position…”
“Like this?” replied the other one, “YOU NEVER FOUGHTERS IN THEMS WARS!!! AND YOU’S ONLY LIKE THEMS RICH CITYHEADS!!! YOU CAN’T EVEN PRONOUNCE NUCLEAR!!!!”
“Much better. But me thinkers you need more arrogance…”
Garrett found himself in a room with tantalizing wooden beams running across the ceiling – the only way to get into an adjacent locked room. He reached for a rope arrow.
Where the TAFF did my MOTHERTAFFING rope arrows go!?? I had them RIGHT TAFFING HERE!! Now they’re just TAFFING GONE??! TAFF!!!! He wasn’t feeling quite himself anymore, but managed to deal with climbing the steps to the rafters and jumped into the next room. Not much in here, but a nice distraction from the path leading him steadily toward the Jackelopes Paw.
Another monstrosity was guarding the paw, pacing and sweating. These things were huge and scary and sounded not unlike some trees from recent memory. How could he take down such a massive foe? Mines? Gravity gun? Rocket Launcher. Ah, what the heck, I’ll try a simple gas bomb.
His enemy went down faster than the latest ISA director and Garrett made his way to the Paw. Oil, Moss, and Blood huh?
He tossed some oil onto the designated spot (which was later decried as a waste, but quickly siphoned up to gas a sporty little BMW). Next with the moss arrow – the easy part. But where do I get the blood? Especially if I’ve made a pact with myself not to kill anyone for no apparent reason?
He wandered back up the passage a bit and couldn’t believe his luck. There lying in the path was a liberal who must have taken his own life! He grabbed the body and flung it toward the Paw. It took him a few times to position the body just right because it typically bounced a few feet to the right or left, but nevertheless, he eventually found the magic spot. After a piercing scream (possibly from the Jackelopes disembodied spirit) Garret was able to grab his prize and head for the surface.
So this is the Jackelope's Paw. The Keeper's will be happy, but I doubt the Democrats will be as pleased. There are more of them in the City than anyone knew, and now thier secret is out. I just hope than when they come looking for someone to sue, they don't looking for me.
