Dario on 17/9/2006 at 06:27
Hi all. Long time no posts from me :D
I just thought I'd drop by and see what you guys think of this. A while ago, Thief inspired me to start writing a story, and so, in true video-game fashion, I stuck to the first-person perspective (which, in writing, becomes called the 2nd-person perspective), and got busy with a story.
My plight is simple; I just want to know what you guys think of this first chapter, and whether or not you buy it. It doesn't cover thievery (this story isn't about a thief, but the setting is very similar).
If you read through it, be brutally honest about what you think. I just wanna know if it works or not, and whether you'd find it to your liking if it were in a book.
I ask because I'm still working on it, and need to know if it's hitting the mark. Thanks for reading :)
(
http://www.deefrag.com/faceless.htm) (here it is, on my site)
(and yes, this is the story that inspired my unfinished Thief mission, and shares the title "Faceless" - (
http://www.deefrag.com/thief/newpics%20album/index.html))
Curunir on 17/9/2006 at 10:38
It fits the bill for "internet fanfics" but I can't honestly imagine it in print.
Dario on 17/9/2006 at 10:44
You mean because it's in 2nd-person? Details, man, I need details. :p
theBlackman on 18/9/2006 at 18:41
Second person for long stretches is a little boring.
In conversational exchanges, once the speakers have been identified, you need not continually "name" them. Unless your conversation involves more than two characters, paragraphs and quotes set the exchange.
Is this specific enough?
You leaned over the balcony, in horror, and watched helplessly as the dark figure hurried to the high fence, and scaled it in seconds carrying your sister into the night.
(You already told us he only had the use of one arm).
The last straws of life you had left were taken, and you were left with a bleeding (You still have life. You may have lost a reason to continue, but this line is extremely weak)
He had just been informed that the kidnapper had gotten into a guard station, and read from the housing book, where each person in the city is carefully kept track of. The book had been left open on the page where it said that you and your sister would be returning home to stay in your own beds that night, and that your house would be guarded. The kidnapper must've come back the night before, and, realizing that the City Watch had relocated you and your sister, went to check the housing records, to see where you would be staying.
Too wordy, consider:
He had been informed that an intruder (there is as yet no proof it was the same person as the kidnapper) had gotten into a guard station. The log book with entries of the activities and whereabouts of the citizens was kept there. (although this is highly unlikely. There would not be enough guards or spys in such a city to keep such information current)
The intruder may have found the book and read that the two of you would be guarded but at home. (relocated from where, and if there was danger why "relocated" to your own house)?
In the main, this entire sequence is unlikely, unrealistic and awkwardly constructed.
The guard said that he thought someone from the City Watch must've been responsible, because nobody else could get to a housing book in an occupied guard station.<s> He also said that</s> If the kidnapper had connections, he could find out where you were staying<s> in the future </s> if anyone ever logged it, and <s>so </s>that you needed to keep your whereabouts a secret.
That night, before <s>he came</s>, your family had returned home from a Gora party at a neighbor's house - not minding the Goras so much - so that you could sleep in your
Dario on 19/9/2006 at 02:29
I see. Thanks for the crit.
About the housing book; this is in a world where the society is far different than the one we know, and they do things in an extremely organized, city-involved fashion. Most of it is revealed further into the story.
ercles on 19/9/2006 at 04:55
Yeh sorry but the 2nd person was a big turn off, and made it a real slog, I gave up
theBlackman on 19/9/2006 at 05:10
Those were just some examples of things that occur throughout. Regarding the society, if such has some unique attributes, then these should be clarified early enough that the reader does not have questions or thoughts such as I mentioned re: the close survielance of the population.
Your "story", at that point, seems to presuppose instant logging of any and all the "citizen" activities.
