Gray on 28/2/2019 at 23:07
It's almost a year now since my wife passed away. No other single person ever had as big an impact on my life. I moved to Scotland for her. I gave up everything.
Cancer.
It was a very slow, painful death. I was there, holding her hand as she stopped breathing. But what do I do now? What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I came here for HER, and now she's gone. I am lost. I do not know how to deal with grief. She was the closest person I've ever had in my life. I don't know what to do now.
I'm sure I'm not the first person to be in this position. How do you deal with grief? Almost every day, I break down in tears. I miss her. I know she's gone, but I still can't quite believe it. My head is full of things to tell her, except she's never coming back.
I'm not a believer, there is no afterlife or spirits or ghosts. How do I deal with this pain and longing?
WingedKagouti on 1/3/2019 at 00:35
Have you talked face to face with other close relatives about this, let yourself cry your heart out and shared the pain?
If not, you may want to try if you can do so with someone you expect to be empathic.
And if you have, was that just around time of the funeral or have you done so more than a month afterwards?
Otherwise my only advice would be to consult a psychologist for either evaluation or therapy.
Gray on 1/3/2019 at 00:56
I discuss it to some extent every week or so with her grown children, mainly my step-daughter who lives nearby, and sometimes less often with my stepson as well who lives elsewhere. I aim to do therapy, but I can't do that yet, I need some time for me to digest it first, so that I don't burst out into tears three words in. I want to be able to finish a sentence without losing my voice halfway. But yes, I do intend to get therapy, they offer that at the hospice where she died.
[Edit]
But that wasn't really my question. I know what my options are. I fully intend to do the therapy thingy at some point. My question was more general, like, on a day-to-day basis, how do you deal with the loss? This one very important person in your life who is no longer there, how do you deal with that? I think of her every day. I dream of her at night. I still keep stuff for her, stupidly knowing I can never get her back. I don't know how to process the loss. Logically, I know she's gone and will never return. Emotionally, it's like I'm just waiting for her to come back. It makes no sense. I watched her die. I have her ashes in a box. I know she's gone, I just can't believe it.
Starker on 1/3/2019 at 02:18
I just try to keep myself busy in various ways, get in some semblance of a routine. I don't know that it helps to deal with grief, exactly, but for me at least it takes the edge off.
demagogue on 1/3/2019 at 02:38
The classic answer is you should channel that energy into art and pour your attention into that.
It's a way to capture your attention on something "productive", so you're not simply overwhelmed -- I mean in the sense that you can lose yourself (in a healthy way) to the simple mechanics of the technique -- that's still actually processing complex feelings, since you're expressing them through the art. And at the end of it you have something tangible for going through that, so you don't feel like you're just losing that time. It could be any art ... painting, music, sculpture, comics, writing, making some kind of widget, etc. But I think it should be something with a tradition, something that allows you to be expressive so the emotions can still get out, and something that requires lots of practice and technique, since it's losing yourself in the practice that's the healthy part of it. That's my best advice. There's also the obvious stuff they always mention, regular exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, etc.
Gray on 1/3/2019 at 02:54
I see what you're getting at. My art is music, I'm a very mediocre musician. I've been doing pretty awful music for about 30 years now, and I'm not getting any better. Sure, I can vent some through my (*ahem*) "art", but I'm not good enough to make it express how I feel. I'm pretty good at programming six drum machines overlapping each other, but I'm crap at playing anything that is not in G minor. I've tried to write lyrics, but I just don't have the talent, they come out pathetically bad. At best I can manage four lines before it goes awful, in any language I know.
One problem is that I am still in Scotland. I moved here for HER, so everything here reminds me of her. On the other hand, I can not afford to move back to my home country. Brexit isn't helping.
She was the love of my life. The only person who ever GOT me. She understood my stupid head. She was very clever that way.
[Edit]
I'm already focusing on exercise and keeping myself active and busy, cutting down on fatty foods and alcohol. Lost about 6 kg so far. One drunken lonely night I even installed some dating app on my phone, but uninstalled it the next day, not ready for that yet. I'm trying my best to move on, but it's not easy, hence this thread.
Tocky on 1/3/2019 at 03:30
I wish I could help. If mere words could do it then I would. But I honestly think nothing can for good and all. Being around people puts it off. Being interested in them and their lives, being concerned for them, keeps it at bay for a time. Hobbies and activities help do that as well. Charity work is good. Anything that keeps your attention diverted. The worst is being alone at night as I'm sure you know. Find a pub you like and frequent that. You don't have to drink a lot and start fights but if you do then the bastards will just have to understand won't they? Find YOUR people. You will know them when you do. Play darts, sing songs, tell jokes, make friends. Friends are the best. They listen and don't know what to say but they are there. They say some funny and insightful shit just after you have broken sometimes but mostly they just let you know we are all in this. We commiserate and wish we could help but know we can't. Most empathetic sorts can taste your misery but they can spit it out after and know it. They feel guilty about that and guilty there is nothing they can really do but distract you. As such, seek out the best distractor, the story teller, the jokester, the one willing to yell aloud at the sky with you.
I'm rambling. I'm also not sure that anything I'm saying is coming out the way I mean. You are not going to forget her. No point telling you otherwise. Don't worry that a few moments respite is some sort of betrayal though. You need it and she would want it for you and you know it. I've not lost my wife so I can't say I know how you feel but I have lost some very close and it doesn't go away. Sometimes I could slip off into a crying jag at the drop of a hat but I don't when I'm with folks so I guess just be with folks as much as possible. The pain doesn't go away but the worst of it gets farther apart. I wish I could be there to go out drinking with you as I'm sure I could think up some momentary mischief to distract or get us thrown in jail or both. If you can't find some nut like me then PM me sometimes when it gets bad. I'll give you my number if you need a voice. I don't mind. You care enough to hurt very badly for someone and that makes you good people to me. Don't ever mistake that you are imposing on me.
Edit: Woops didn't see you are cutting down on alcohol. I'm next to worthless in helping with that. Not a good influence nor any inclination to be one.
Gray on 1/3/2019 at 03:54
I've tried the pubs, but all I met were racists and homophobes, and (ick!) football fans. I'm not likeable enough to make friends easily, I guess my shaved head is just a magnet for the local racists, wrongly assuming we have something in common besides a cheap haircut. So far in Scotland, I have maybe one friend, but he's in a relationship so he's busy quite a lot of the time. If I would ask, he'd be here in a heartbeat, but I can't pester the poor guy every time I'm feeling down. So far, I know zero people here that didn't know my wife first, and many of them only tolerate me because they loved her, she was a much nicer person than I am. I'm not that worried though about making friends, I'm a pretty solitary person, I'm used to always doing everything alone, but it would be quite nice to have at least one single male friend to go to pubs with.
[Edit]
I'm trying to focus on helping my stepkids. They're both fully grown adults, but they relied quite heavily on their mother. I can't take her place, but I'm trying to help with what little I can.
Tocky on 1/3/2019 at 04:11
Well that shoots down my romantic fantasy of Scotland. Mostly I've met good sorts the few times I've traveled. I did run into some skin heads at Trafalgar square new years of all things. There is a story there but not one for here just now. Maybe you could go on some trips about the country to crumbling castles and hassle tourists with a heavy brogue making up stories about what happened at this place and that. "And over here is where the second Earl of Winchester was tied to a goat and sent packing all the way back to England for unusual animal husbandry... aaaaahhh but it was how he was tied wannit?"
I'm listening to your Information Society in another window. It's good.
Gray on 1/3/2019 at 04:18
There are plenty of nice people in Scotland, and even in the pubs, it's just me who attracts the nutters.
And yes, InSoc are pretty great, listening to them right now, the album Don't Be Afraid is their best and most industrial.