Gray on 5/6/2019 at 17:57
Well maybe I dismissed you at the time, but it probably sunk in later. I'm a very slow thinker these days. I fully intend to stop taking the zopiclone and melatonin, if possible, I just had a chat about that with my GP doctor yesterday. Maybe this Sleepio app will help, maybe it won't, but I would like to come off the meds. The combination of sleep deprivation AND meds makes my head very fuzzy.
If there's one thing I've learned over the last 20 years it's that you're usually right, Daxim, whether I like it or not.
Gray on 29/6/2019 at 01:55
It's been a few weeks now. My head is very fuzzy from sleep deprivation, but the Sleepio app is forcing me to, as is its purpose, to change my behaviour. I'm down from spending 12 hours in bed and maybe sleep 4, to spending 6 hours in bed and sleep 5. Mild progress.
Last time I was on the forums, I had several strong opinions about thread so-and-so, but I'm now too tired to post lengthy elaborate bits, so I'll just cover all of those threads with this annoying blanket statement: "You are wrong. Why? Because I said so and I have no facts to back that up."
On the upside, my sleep patterns have changed. On the downside, it still hasn't made any tiny change to the state of my sleep-deprived brain, I'm still thick as pigshit. Maybe the headache and fog will lift if I can get off the meds, but it's too soon to do that just now. I move slowly.
But, tiny progress is still progress. Bitter sarcastic cynic bastard with a heart of optimism will report back if there's any change.
[Edit[
What I have done to kill sleepless time is to dig deeper into Caustic, that music app I've been using. It's been quite useful to tinker with at 5:30 am when I'm not allowed to stay in bed anymore. and I've made loads of new horrible crap on it. I've learned how to import drumloops and export MP3s. I love toying around with the drum machines, but I'm just not talented enough to write a complete song, i always run out of steam about halfways or earlier. But it has reminded me of that guitar I gave away to my niece, perhaps I should buy a cheap guitar over here again and have someone help me make the noise I want to come out of it. I've got my eye on a guitar I might get, and even making a plan to pay some metalhead to teach me the loud angry chords I need to make my crap somewhat less crappy. My wife left me a couple of acoustic guitars, a 6- and a 12-string, but I know my technique is so bad I don't feel comfortable playing something that may be overheard by other people. That's why I had my electric guitar back in the olden days. I don't want to inflict my awfulness upon innocent bystanders.
Gray on 30/6/2019 at 13:56
Ok, back to grief again.
Next week, it would have been our wedding anniversary. I now have a plan to deal with it. I'll go to the memorial garden where her ashes were scattered, perhaps read a bit from a book she loved, maybe have a sip of her favourite whisky and pour some out for her. I know it's stupid, it's mainly for me to maintain what little is left of my sanity. Maybe I'll bring the flowers she loved. I have no faith, I don't believe her immortal spirit will look down upon me, it's only to try to get my head around the fact that she is indeed gone and will never return, no matter how much I wish this was not true.
I have a very pragmatic, practical, rational view of the world. I don't believe I'll ever meet her again in some fantasy afterlife, a nice a thought as that would be, I just have to accept the fact that she's gone. Intellectually, I know this. It's just that my emotions haven't quite caught up yet. There is still so much I want to tell her.
Last week I went to the first bereavement group counselling, over a year after her death. I still find it very difficult to speak about her death without breaking down in tears, so I mainly sat quietly at the back, and did not interact much with the other grievers, maybe a dozen of us. I spoke briefly to a couple of the staff, but even that was a bit too much. I do intend to go back for next time, in a month, and maybe I can open up a bit more.
Earlier on the same day I went back the the crematorium and spoke to the manager there, about some practical details. I want to have a plaque of her name somewhere. Not just for me, but for all of the family, with all of her names. Birth name, first marriage, my name, all of it, so that her family can find something to connect to. I want to include the family as much as possible, but I doubt anyone will ever truly know her as intimately as I did. For hours and hours, every single day for ten years, we talked about everything and nothing. I will miss that until the day I die. If you've never truly loved, this may all sound like some stupid cliches you only see in movies, but if you've lived it, it's like a part of your body has been ripped out and there is now a gaping hole, bleeding. The pain never goes away.
I'm sorry if this sounds depressing, but this is the whole point of this entire thread. How to deal with grief. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm working on it.
I guess that next week, at our anniversary, I'll probably look at some old photos and reminisce about happier times. There were a lot of happy times. Many good memories. Maybe play some music she loved. Maybe something from our wedding.
Starker on 30/6/2019 at 18:52
It doesn't sound like a cliche. It doesn't sound depressing. It sounds like you love her very much.
[video=youtube;7c2olMFEhK8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7c2olMFEhK8[/video]
Gray on 30/6/2019 at 22:46
Curiously, I saw that very Keanu clip only hours before you posted it.
And I did love her. I still love her. Truly, deeply, with every fibre of my being. That's what's making it difficult now, when I have to learn to accept that she's gone.
Next week will sort of be a test of how well I've learned to deal with it since her passing. I have planned to do this very simple thing, to just visit the memorial garden I've been to 4-5 times since the ceremony, but this will be on a highly emotional day and maybe I'll just crap out of it and sit quietly on the sofa drinking her whisky instead, but I hope I can do better than that.
Then again, I can't waste myself completely, since the very next day, I have tickets to go see Ministry play live, and believe it or not, (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imqvLToWH7k) Ministry was actually on our wedding playlist. What says romance like angry shouty political sarcasm? We were not your average couple. We had (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1M4ADcMn3dA) Rammstein(*), (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkUrZvbh9bU) Nine Inch Nails, (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyXi-ObqX8I) Front Line Assembly, Skinny Puppy, because if there's one thing that really suits a wedding it's some loud Canadian shouting (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5ulj3tut3o) "death! death! death death death!". But we also had soppy romantic stuff like (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSRYvYN1ayw) Lamb: Gorecki, (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIvKZ_EX_xE) Depeche Mode: Home, (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk4gZEAmOLk) VNV Nation: Standing, (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iPtG_O8w8g) Otis Redding: My Girl, (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZBKFoeDKJo) Beach Boys: Wouldn't It Be Nice. And another ten hours of stuff. But I should probably play her (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXfE-e4a3GU) favourite noodly banjoes.
[Edit]
I sometimes forget I haven't told TTLG the full story, and just assume you, collectively, know stuff that you logically could not know. For our wedding ceremony, we had my new brother-in-law, the very talented local musician Alan, perform Home, and later at the reception do a tear-jerking rendition of Gorecki, we just melted into each other's arms for that. Then, fighting in the Swedish corner, (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05tcF9VIO80) my younger brother, the tall handsome ladies favourite pan-European rock star performed Depeche Mode's (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04ZIj4r6jx8) Behind The Wheel at my request, which is quite sexually suggestive and perhaps a bad choice as I could see in the faces of some Scots unfamiliar with the song, but at the time I couldn't really give a flying fuck, it was the happiest day of my life, followed by many more happier days.
(*) The irony was fully intentional. I will not elaborate, I don't want to plant unpleasant sexual imagery into your minds you can't unsee.
Gray on 27/7/2019 at 14:11
I've finally started going to bereavement group counselling, I haven't been ready until now. Not interacted much yet, been twice, but it does help to some extent to be surrounded by 15-odd people with similar experiences.
The Sleepio app didn't seem to do as much good as I had hoped, it mainly reiterated stuff I already knew, but then again, I kind of expected that. It did help me focus a bit more on routine and exercise, so it wasn't useless. I'll keep using it for a while longer to try to keep my discipline up, and hopefully get off my meds eventually. It also prompted me to get a Fitbit, which is probably an easier tool to force myself into a routine.
Things aren't great, but I'm trying my best.
[Edit]
At these counselling groups, there's a lot of talk about what grief actually is, and I've come to realise it's really quite difficult to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. I just assumed people knew what it was, but I probably didn't either. But it differs from person to person, the circumstances, and who you lost. To a lot of people, it's about losing a parent, the most important person who helped them start their life. For me it's different. I've not yet lost a parent, but I will soon, they're in their 80s now, but I don't think that will affect me as strongly. I love them, and I am grateful for giving me life and doing their best to help me, but I've not really needed them for the last 30 years. In that sense, losing a parent is like losing a link to your past.
I lost my wife. She was my future. I invested everything I had into us living happily ever after, I even moved to Scotland. She was the most important person in my life. She was everything. Literally, she was my everything, and everything was connected to her. And all of that is gone now.
I'm not saying my grief is worse than anyone else's, I'm just trying to explain what I lost and what it means to me. I'm guessing losing a child would be even worse. Both my mother and my wife lost their first child, and neither seem to ever have gotten completely over it. My wife requested her ashes to be scattered where her first little boy was.
[Edit again]
I'm not doing well. I miss her like crazy. My head is still full of a thousand things to tell her, and a thousand questions to ask her. Pointless, tiny, nonsensical things. She was such a big part of my life. I'm not sure I'll ever fully understand that she's gone. It's a paralysing pain. I'm unable to think clearly. Maybe I have depression now. Maybe this is what the rest of my life will be now. I'm fucked.
Gray on 8/9/2019 at 16:08
I'm having a really hard time just now. I miss her intensely. Friday was her birthday. It brought up so many memories. I spent it at the crematorium memorial garden. Standing in the wet muddy grass, leaving flowers by the tree she was scattered around. Saying soppy loving words in Swedish. Alone, with not another living soul around for miles. That's no way to have a birthday party. Two years ago, we all met up in Moness, with her sister's family, her aunt from Edinburgh and many of the other people who loved her dearly, maybe a dozen of us. At this point, she'd gone bald from the chemotherapy, and puffed up from the meds. We had cake, but she was too ill to eat it. She had one glass of prosecco, but threw it up almost immediately. I think we all knew it was her last birthday alive, or at least I did, maybe some of the others still believed she'd get better. People had gone above and beyond to decorate the rented cottage with all sort of celebratory banners, sparklers, candles. They really loved her. We all did. Everybody did. She was an amazing person, the most wonderful person I ever met.
To this day, I still wonder why such a wonderful person picked someone as bland and boring as me to marry. I'm just very grateful that she did.
I don't expect you to do anything to help me, I just needed to whine for a bit and I'll probably feel better tomorrow. Sorry about this annoying rant, I just needed to vent.
[Edit]
Thinking back to her previous birthdays, when she was still well. There's a Greek restaurant around the corner we used to go to, for her birthdays or mine. They have the most excellent lamb kebab, best I've ever had, and I've been to Greece a few times. We'd dress up, her in her little black goth dress, me in my black shirt, black tie with tiny skulls (because I'm sooOOoo heavy metal), vest and suit. We'd sit and just grin at each other across the table, just so happy to be there and see each other. And by god, she looked so amazing! I just wanted to take her there and then, but that would probably be frowned upon by the staff. And the food was so delicious. Sometimes I think of going back, by myself, but of course it won't be the same. Maybe the food will trigger memories I have forgotten,
Tocky on 10/9/2019 at 04:33
Just so you know, you aren't annoying. You are incredibly fucking human. Your memories are bruising and intense. It's no wonder we have nothing to say back. We could say nothing of help anyway. We know that. Pretty useless the lot of us. Although I do think I could do some good if I were there and talking you into doing something really stupid with me. Maybe getting drunk and climbing atop a building to shoot bottle rockets at skinheads or something. Yeah. Maybe not.
Aja on 11/9/2019 at 16:30
I am reading your posts! I just don't think there's anything I can say that would help, so I haven't said anything. But know that people are listening :)
pumicefluff on 13/9/2019 at 12:01
Try to keeep your busy in your daily routine so that you will be occupied with some other stuff. There is no other option you have to deal with it. Stay strong.