Gray on 13/10/2019 at 15:27
Well, finally, after months of attempting to find some routine and stability, 11 days ago I eventually went off the zopiclone. I've had a shitty couple of weeks, but I'm starting to see the light of the end of the tunnel or the train that'll hit me in the face. The Sleepio app didn't really work for me as well as it supposedly has for others, but then again I didn't expect a miracle, CBT with an actual therapist didn't work 12-15 years ago. Sleepio did remind me of a few useful things, so it was not a complete waste of time, I got into a better routine now, with sleep and exercise, but my brain is still scrambled. Physically, I'm doing better than I have in years, but intellectually, I'm still thick as a brick. My main hope is that coming off the zopiclone will somehow lessen my brain fog and it will be easier to think and deal with admin, but so far that has not happened. I'm still clouded by an everlasting massive headache, fuzziness and confusion. One reason I wanted to come off the meds was to see if I can manage to start reading again, understand and absorb information, which I've been largely unable for the last 15 years. It's become worse over time, and much more so in the last year in particular. There is so much unnecessary admin connected with being ill, having to prove you're actually ill, which you can't because you're too ill. It's a neverending catch-22. My wife used to be my thinking brain and help me sort out these things, but she's gone now. I've only just recently asked my stepdaughter to help me sort things out, but she's a busy single mother and it's difficult to find a time that works for us both, we had planned for Thursday but I had a spectacularly bad night for no apparent reason (other than probably coming off the meds a week prior) and had to cancel. I still have months of admin, dating back to January that I've been unable to deal with. Grief, illness and solitude is not a good combination.
Grief, yes. I miss her. Every day, I miss her. I miss talking to her, for hours and hours every single day. For the last two years, I've mainly been shouting at the TV news, or spoken 10 words per week to some random supermarket clerk. Two days ago, I decided to make a small change. I bought a couple of potted plants. Why? For several reasons. 1) I'm struggling to find a routine. I specifically asked the guy in the flower shop for leafy green thingy that only needs watered once a week, so I got two of those. If I can manage to water them once a week, that'll be a routine. 2) Cheap comedy value. I named them (
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huginn_and_Muninn) Hugin and Munin.(1) 3) My flat is quite small and cramped, and ventilation is awful, I'm hoping some greenery will improve the atmosphere, converting CO2 to O2. 4) I could use someone to talk to. For some reason, I feel slightly less insane swearing at a potted plant when the Brexit news is on than swearing at the TV itself. 5) I used to have about half a dozen potted plants before I moved to Scotland, but I decided to throw them out a few years prior, I had decided I had become too ill to deal with them, I was struggling too much with everything else. 6) This is a slightly dodgy reason. I was struggling for three years to try to keep my wife alive, going through chemotherapy, radiotherapy, double mastectomy, and more chemo. I did the very best I could, but it was clearly not enough. Now I've got something else I can try to keep alive. I'm too allergic for pets, so plants is probably as far as I can go. If I can keep the plants alive for three years, what will I have proven..? Probably nothing. 7) I'm not much for interior decorating, I didn't even bother to ask the guy at the shop what you call these things, but they do make the place seem a bit more alive. I just asked for something green and leafy, no colourful flowery stuff. But looking at them now, they do brighten up the place a bit. I can see them now... over there... silently watching... scheming, plotting...(2) 8) Also good for cheap jokes, like my previous 7 just there. I'm not insane, honestly. Or am I?
Point being, I'm slowly trying to change my life. It's not easy, but I'm trying. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life now, short as it may be, I'll probably die prematurely anyway from illness related causes in some form or other. It was extremely unlikely that I'd meet the woman who'd later become my wife and that I'd move to Scotland for her. The great big love of my life. It's even more unlikely that I'd meet another woman in some distant future who will see past the grumpiness and illness and see the heart of gold buried deep within, coated with several layers of sarcasm, bitterness, anger and fear. I'll be alone. I'm not fine with that, but I'll have to learn to accept that.
(1) Ignore the English misspelling of their names, the English patently suck at all foreign languages, so trust my spelling on this. It's my culture, not theirs. FFS, they even spell Oden as "Odin". Wrong!
(2) Hugin and Munin were the raven spies of Oden, flying across the world and reporting back to him. Very Game of Thrones, except 1400 years before that was written.
[Edit]
And also, I finally got around to start reading Daxim's link to melatonin. I've not read more than about a third so far, I don't have the brains to do it all in one go, I'm exhausted now, and I'll read the rest some other time. But in the article, they claím that 0.3 mg is the optimal dose. I'm currently on 2 mg. As I said above, I've only just stopped taking zopiclone, and when I've got a more solid routine, I might consider cutting down my melatonin intake as well, I've got a pill-splitter-thingy so I can quite easily halve and quarter my pills. It might be a good idea to slowly go from 2 to 1.5, to 1.0, to 0.5, over several weeks, but I won't do that until I first get into a stable solid routine, and speak to my GP again. As always, I do things
very slowly, so this might not happen until February. Or July. Yeah, I'm slow.
Tocky on 13/10/2019 at 23:37
Two things. Aloe is hard to kill and it takes burn pain away almost instantly and helps in healing. I put out a love seat that caught fire from a faulty plug wire as I was going to sleep on it. Melted plastic on my bare hands. Aloe made a believer out of me. Also there is always the chance of love. Keep your ears open. Keep your eyes open. You just may not really want it yet. Understandable. Okay, three things, routine is good. Exercise routine is good. Goals are good. A hot body is good. You can take me up on my challenge and it may help in many ways.
Gray on 14/10/2019 at 00:12
You truly are a font of wisdom. When I set fire to my hands, all I got was morphine. That was the most fun I've ever had at a hospital. Also, probably the only opiate I've ever taken.
This was back in the day when I was drinking whisky and smoking cheap cigars. I was drunk, and tried to refill my Zippo lighter, and accidently switched it on as my hands were covered in lighter fluid. Not my brightest moment. You only make that mistake twice. Then you learn. At least I gave the taxi driver a good chuckle as he was driving me to the hospital, hands submerged in a cooking pot filled with cold water. I asked him if it looked strange to him, and he just grinned and replied "mate, this isn't even the third weirdest thing I've seen tonight."
Tocky on 14/10/2019 at 00:46
Twice? Uh... not to down you but once would be enough for most. Though we used to coat our hands in rubbing alcohol and set them on fire for fun as a teen. It mostly burned off before they got too hot. Lighter fluid I'm sure you know better than anyone does not work that way. Did you ask what were the other two things he had seen that night?
My sister, who lost her one and only to Huntington's disease, an awful thing worse than normal disease as it takes ones ability to reason and react and turns one dissociative and quarrelsome, reads quite a bit. Since you are less able to concentrate on a full novel perhaps a book of short stories would work better. Not that any one thing which helps one helps another the same. Still, I'm reading Stephen Kings Just After Sunset now and the stories are engrossing and thoughtful. They build slow and reach a point where the action grabs you and you can't put it down for wanting to know the outcome. Not all are true horror either. Just a thought but you might want to walk past a bookstore and pick it up. It would be something which would not let go of your attention.
Gray on 14/10/2019 at 00:54
The "twice" line was just a joke, I only did it once. I was just trying to exaggerate my obvious foolishness there. It seemed funnier to say twice, going for a cheap laugh and poking fun at the usual "you only make that mistake once" thingy. And no, I didn't ask the driver what the other things were, I was quite busy trying to keep my hands in a cooking pot at the floor of the car, as he swivelled and zigzagged through traffic. I just assumed that if I didn't even make his top 3 that night, it must have been something more dramatic. I was just sitting there, hands in a pot of water, looking silly, nothing dramatic in itself, just a proof that I had very recently been drunk and stupid.
I still have that pot, I brought it with me to Scotland. I've owned it for 28 years and I made fusili in it yesterday. No hands were boiled in the process.
Tocky on 14/10/2019 at 01:02
Fusili sounds like a fungus. I hope not. I've made some accidentally in the fridge but never on purpose.
Damn I hope my daughter shows up soon. I'm tired of find the poop game. We just came in from a leash walking nightmare and we only have one rug in the whole house. Why? No reasoning with pugs. They just cock their heads like you should have known when you berate them.
Tocky on 14/10/2019 at 01:18
Everything is tasty with bacon. I need to reheat some steak cubes with onions and peppers my wife made. After washing my hands a third time. And, damn it, 35 push-ups. Here goes.
Damn it. I did thirteen and a pug got between me and the floor. Plus I'm more lit from these Captain Morgan spiced rum apple cider with oranges and cloves and cinnamon things than I thought. You may win.
jkcerda on 14/10/2019 at 16:38
Quote Posted by Gray
It's almost a year now since my wife passed away. No other single person ever had as big an impact on my life. I moved to Scotland for her. I gave up everything.
Cancer.
It was a very slow, painful death. I was there, holding her hand as she stopped breathing. But what do I do now? What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I came here for HER, and now she's gone. I am lost. I do not know how to deal with grief. She was the closest person I've ever had in my life. I don't know what to do now.
I'm sure I'm not the first person to be in this position. How do you deal with grief? Almost every day, I break down in tears. I miss her. I know she's gone, but I still can't quite believe it. My head is full of things to tell her, except she's never coming back.
I'm not a believer, there is no afterlife or spirits or ghosts. How do I deal with this pain and longing?
sorry for your loss.
Gray on 14/10/2019 at 18:45
Thank you.
We may not always agree on political nonsense, but I appreciate your concern.